Something Is Stuck in My Butt, and I Can't Get It Out
Well, before we tell you how to get it out, you're just going to have to sit there—or more likely, stand there—and listen to a lecture about how not to get stuff stuck in there in the first place.
Anything you put in your butt should have a flange at the end big enough to keep it from getting sucked in there. (If you're a fisting aficionado, your partner's torso qualifieds as a large enough flange.) Moreover, because your butthole can do a lot more than you probably think it can, you should have a backup retrieval system on your butt toy, such as a string that stays outside you that a simple tug will remove the toy. You can poke a hole through the flange and thread a string through it, knotting both ends together to make a loop.
But, if you'd been following those rules, you probably wouldn't be reading this... right? So, let's see about getting that thing out of there.
First off, let's start with the easy stuff—something that's relatively smooth, not fragile, and inanimate, like a dildo or chrome egg.
What you don't want to do is use artifical means to get it out of there. Don't try to give yourself an enema or use a suppository. Don't try to reach up there with your fingers or an implement to fish it out. You run a real risk of pushing it up there farther, around one of the S-bends that give the sigmoid colon its name, thus reclassifying it from "uncomfortable" to "dangerous."
Instead, try squatting and pushing. If the toy is heavy, don't try this over a toilet bowl—you can break the porcelain. You might try putting newspapers on the floor and squatting over them.
If this doesn't work, and if you're not too uncomfortable, be patient. Maybe try the squat-and-push routine again in a few hours. If a day goes by and you're still plugged up, see a doctor. (Don't worry, doctors have seen this problem a thousand times.)
Now, let's suppose you've been just a little bit crazy, and you've put something up there that's fragile and can break into sharp pieces. (Do we need to tell you that this is a very bad idea?) If it's already broken, call 911 and move as little as possible while you wait for the ambulance to get there—you are in serious, life-threatening danger. If it hasn't broken yet, get to the emergency room, carefully, before it breaks.
A special category of the above is things like coke bottles, with holes in the top. These are more dangerous than you might think: the hole can form a suction seal with your innards, so when you try to pull it out, it takes a very precious part of you with it. We don't recommend bottles of any sort as impromptu dildos, but if you must use a bottle, at least stick it in there butt first rather than neck first.
To get it out, don't yank at it or twist it. Try rocking it gently back and forth to see if you can break the seal. If you can't, get to an emergency room for help. (You may have to have someone drive you, since sitting in the driver's seat is probably not an option that this point.)
OK, now we come to the one that you probably were curious about to begin with: animal life. Yes, we know that the Official Policy is that gerbil play is an urban legend. Maybe so. However, it's a well-publicized urban legend... which means that someone has undoubtedly tried it by now. Not you, we hope.
We're not going to comment on the ethics or sanity of sticking rodent life up your butt. We're just going to tell you how to get Mickey or his buddey out of there: he is unlikely to be reassured by sweet talk or gentle music at this point.
The first question is: Does your animal pal have teeth, and is he inclined to use them? If so, don't waste time reading this, get to an emergency room. This situation falls into the same category as sharp broken pieces—your colon is very fragile and very vascular (well supplied with blood). You do not want to take chances on a perforated bowel.
If teeth are not a concern, you may be able to grab a tail, leg, or other extremity and gently pull your bewildered little friend out of there.
You'll note that a lot of our advice here involves going to a hospital or an emergency room. What will happen there? Well, the first thing they'll do is go up your butt with an item that's sort of like the birthing forceps obstetricians use, to see if they can gently extract the object without harming you. (Shut up and quit complaining—you wanted something in your ass, didn't you?) If they can't get it out safely, you may have to have surgery to remove it. You'll have fun explaining the scar later.