The Best Places in the U.S. to Get an STD
Men's Health has once again ranked American cities. We reported their hard-to-ignore findings on the cities with the highest and lowest risk of erectile dysfunction. This time around they've ranked 101 cities ranging from the ones "where sex is still just good clean fun" to ones that have taken the spirit of giving a little too far. Men's Health examined the most recent statistics on the incidence of gonorrhea, syphilis, and chlamydia that have been reported to the Centers for Disease Control. When data weren't available for some metro areas (not all cities need to report their STDs to the CDC), the statisticians at Men's Health looked at county records, including the current mortality rates from AIDS. This is not exactly epidemiology at its most rigorous, but their findings do give you something to think about (like packing an extra box of condoms for your next business trip). So here's what they found:
If you're looking for some good, clean fun in America, go to Disneyland. Seriously, Anaheim, CA, ranked number one as America's cleanest (or safest) city for sex. Cinderella's evil step sisters are clearly the ones that turn into pumpkins at midnight in Anaheim because you know they'd skew those results—and not in the good way. As for the rest of the top clean/safe cities, there aren't really many surprises. Anaheim's neighbor Santa Ana in conservative Orange County comes in at a close second, which is followed by Spokane, WA, in third place. There's surprisingly positive or, rather, good news for that shining star of California's Central Valley. The former "Methamphetamine Capital of the World," Forbes' worst metro area with more than 500,000 residents, and the sixth poorest metro area in the country, Modesto gets a clean bill of health as the fourth safest/cleanest city for sex. Now if they could only do something about the air quality. The rest of the top ten cities are: Madison, WI; Plano, TX; Lincoln, NE; Riverside, CA; San Jose, CA; and that bastion of excitement Akron, OH.
Now let's get to the dirty places, but you might want to bring some antibiotics or a lot of latex just in case. Among the bottom ten of the cleanest/safest cities for sex—or put another way, the easiest places to get an STD—are the following: Chicago ranks tenth followed by Richmond, VA. It's pretty easy to pick up something in the Big Easy; New Orleans comes in at number 8. Then we've got Memphis and Philadelphia at seventh and sixth, respectively. It gives us an icky feeling that the capital of glad-handing and baby kissing, Washington, DC, comes in at fifith. Apparently, even 145 years later, Atlanta, at number 4, still has a burning sensation. It's not just urban blight afflicting the third and second cities on the list: Baltimore and Newark, respectively. And the number one spot for giving the most spots is Detroit, which appears to be unsafe at any sexual speed.
We at CarnalNation have found an interesting correlation between this ranking and the one Men's Health did of the hardest and limpest cities in the U.S. We're playing fast and loose with the epidemiological science here, but playing fast and loose is what these ranking are about so why not. Several of the top ten "hardest" cities in the U.S., that is, the places least likely to suffer from erectile dysfunction, are in the bottom 25 cities ranked for clean/safer sex. Boston, the most erect city in America, ranked fifteenth in the likelihood of you bringing home an unwanted souvenir. As we noted above, Washington ranked fifth for STDs but also third for hardness. Atlanta ranked third in keeping it up and, as we noted above, fourth in giving it away. Those other big, hard cities with dubious reputations are New York, San Francisco, and Newark. Hmmm. Maybe in these places a hard man isn't so good to find after all—unless he comes wrapped up like a Christmas present with a big bow. Otherwise, he can just keep that gift to himself.