CARNAL NATION

For National Masturbation Month, I got a California Exotic Novelties Advanced Clitoral Pump. It came to my mom’s house. She has a doorman to receive packages. If a package comes to my building when I’m not home, it goes directly back to the post office. There it sits, until I stand in line for 2 hours to get it from a surprisingly unharried postal employee. 

My mom told me I had a package, but I kept encountering obstacles to getting there. Honestly, my biggest obstacle was myself.  I love my mom, but I see that house as a kind of vortex. It sucks you in, but not in a stimulating kind of way. You sink into the living room couch with a cup of hot herbal tea, trying not to get drowsy while mom reads you her favorite poem by recent poet-laureate Billy Collins, or urges you to watch Cosi Fan Tutte with her on PBS. This is life with my Manhattan mom, ok?  I have my issues!

“I like clit and pussy pumps because they plump up an already delicious part of the female anatomy,” my boyfriend had said, in anticipation of the new toy. “They make everything bigger and more swollen, so it’s just more of a good thing!” Unfortunately, since I didn’t manage to pick up my little “marital aid” ‘til a few nights before the review was due to CarnalNation, my boyfriend was asleep. He was tired. There he was, useless in the bed next to me, as I tried it out. The device is a long, slim, wand-like vibrator with a suction pump ball attached to it, at the end of a long tube. It has two transparent gel heads: one with gently vibrating bristles, and the other a cup with a little nub at the center.  When you squeeze the pump ball, the suction cup tightens. The effect, when you set it firmly over your clit, is of it being tugged on. That tugging increases as you pull the device slightly away from your body.  If you tug too hard, the suction will release.  I like a bit of a tug. It’s particularly nice when you’ve got someone between your legs: the warm wetness of their mouth, sucking, tugging, and then you feel their tongue, flicking back and forth, as you… Where was I?

The Clitoral Pump has 3 vibrating speeds, all of which I liked.  I especially liked the maximum setting, which has the perfect level of vibration for me. I often have trouble with that Master of all Vibrators, the Hitachi Magic Wand, because it when I use it, it feels like my clit is being beaten up.  It does “work,” but it desensitizes my clit.  This Clitoral Pump’s vibrating speeds provide just the right amount of stimulation to make me cum. 

I can’t wait to play with it some more when my boyfriend wakes up!  …And do some other things.  National Masturbation Month, indeed.
 

The Advanced Clitoral Pump is not all that it is pumped up to be. Trust me, I know by experience. People suck, vacuum cleaners suck, glass cupping sets suck, modified syringes suck: all in an erotic and sensual way. The Advanced Clitoral Pump doesn't suck, which sucks!

I was so excited when I first got it that I could hardly wait to try it out. I wanted to experience the suction and vibration at the same time because I have used other suction devices on my clit when I've been in the mood for something a little different and feeling adventurous.

The vibrator in the Advanced Clitoral Pump is wonderful; it's very quiet on each setting (from mild to strong), but that is one of its only redeeming features. It does have a nice design and is made with quality materials, but the bottom line is that it does not live up to its name or its purpose.

I would love it if the company would put more into designing the suction aspect so that it really worked as advertised. The suction is equivalent to a mosquito. The pump and suction sleeves just do not offer enough pressure because the pump leaks air and the suction looses its hold. You keep having to pump it up to get more suction. It's just a tease, nothing more. Dang!

This toy doesn't even have the umph to give a decent hickey. I tried it on my nipples and same thing: it just didn't work well enough.

For all those adventurous souls out there who like to pump, lets hope that this gets a design overhaul to make it into all that it's pumped up to be. But for now, I give it a thumbs down.