I want a better way to get off.
Don’t you think sex toys could be so much better? It’s been over thirty years since the venerable and much-loved Hitachi Magic Wand was introduced. The classic Slim Line and Rabbit Pearl vibes still hold their own on the sex shop shelves. The basic principals and designs haven’t changed. Battery and wall-powered offset motors are pressed to the skin in hopes of jiggling the nerve endings beneath or around it.
Think about it. The big-selling vibes haven’t changed since Betamax and VHS video cassette tapes were duking it out for their share of lovers on the sofa, Pong occupied the luckless, geeks used the Apple II personal computer to take the first steps into computer porn using ASCII characters and blocky graphics, boys wooed girls with custom mixed cassette tapes and dirty talk happened over avocado-colored rotary phones. When other tools of seduction have progressed so much, why haven’t the pleasure toys?
Granted, there have been some improvements in the last 20 years. We now know it’s bad to stick carcinogenic phthalate-laden toys where the sun don’t shine. Toys of quality, made with high tech silicone, medical grade plastic, surgical quality steel, custom art glass and sustainable organic fair trade wood call to you. Some computer technology has managed to seep into designs, but nothing really wowing. My personal smartphone is more powerful than all the Apollo missions combined, but it still isn’t smart enough or strong enough to get me off. Where are the booster rockets?
We can’t just sit back and settle for mere variations on what we already have.
I blame Star Trek for this.
Really.
Here’s my reasoning.
Nearly everything imagined on Star Trek has been invented or are being researched on at some level. We are our own Galaxy Quest.
Uhura’s earpiece is clumsy next to the latest Bluetooth. Our cars talk to us while navigating and even parking itself, likely better than the Enterprise ever could. If you want a fully functional Tricorder, just wait a little bit for Steve Jobs to prophesize it. Dr. McCoy’s bladeless surgery? We got it. Warp Drive, phasers and transparent metal? Ask the Department of Defense. Robots? Ask any teenage competitor of robotics games. Universal translators? Google’s got its tentacles all over that one. Even quantum teleportation is in its successful embryonic stage of development.
But the camera cut away at the critical moments when Kirk did the horizontal boogie with some Orion slave girl, leaving no clues or specifics for young impressionable 20th century IT developers of the future to have a name and function of an object to begin formulating designs in their pre-pubescent minds.
This is why smartphones have lousy vibrator apps today.
I know you’re going to tell me “But there’s an app for that!” Trust me, I’ve bought them, tried them; the phone buzzed but I didn’t. When there’s an iPhone app from Hitachi, I’m first in line.
In the meantime, here are the sex toys I wished existed.
The Orgasmatron:
From Woody Allen’s 1973 movie Sleeper, a closet-sized chamber where you step in and experience a whole body orgasm, solo or with other people.
Upping the ante on the Orgasmatron is the Excessive Machine from everyone’s favorite psychedelic sexpot movie Barbarella, starring the barely legal Jane Fonda, Intended as a device to kill you from too much pleasure, this body encasing pipe-organ-meets-MRI-machine strips its victim of their clothing and climaxes them to brain and organ failure. Unfortunately for the evil moralistic villain who represents Puritanical guilt, shame and sexual obsession, Barbarella just cums and cums and cums and melts the machine into a pile of smoldering goo.
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