CarnalNation

Two weeks before our day of national bloodletting (April 15th), I whipped up a profile and made my debut at Vampire Chat City. As “HemoGoblin,” I stumbled through the virtual equivalent of saloon doors into what was clearly an off night. One listless young man with lank blond hair was slumped in front of his webcam, not saying much of anything, while the rest of the conversation focused on nutritional supplements and aerobic workouts. Every now and then some brave soul would venture to inject a vampirish note into the conversation: “I feel so depleted!” But no one played along. Then again, perhaps this comment had more to do with vitamin deficiency than with blood lust. Dunno.

Ages ranged from 19 to 91, because Vampire Chat City does not let you indicate “ageless, deathless and immortal” when you create your vampire profile. At 92 years of age, I was clearly the senior member of the group, and my few attempts at conversation were ignored. I exited in a snit.

I’ve apparently been living under a rock for eons, and so the pop culture vampire craze sort of passed me by once I’d gotten my fill of Anne Rice and Herzog’s Nosferatu (quite some time ago). I have no television habit of my own to support (Buffy not spoken here) and my own children, who keep me semi-current, chose to spurn vampires in favor of zombies and other more picturesque interests.

So why vampires; why now? As I said, 'tis the season. Money, like blood, is pouring into the maw of the military/industrial/government death machine and soon we will all be dry as mummies. At least the swooning victims of seductive “vampyres” get a thrill or two for their trouble. Plus, we celebrate National Garlic Day this week and this, too, is charmingly appropriate...

Actually, I became interested in vampires again after watching Kelly’s “No Bootie Call” video. (You all know Kelly from “Shoes,” right?) In “No Bootie Call,” Kelly goes to a pretty bad party with her best friend, Heather Campbell, who (except for her dad) is the only vampire in town. Imagine, you are 601 years old and there are no cute vampire boys in a 50-mile radius, at least! She’s a seething mass of frustration, as you might imagine. Heather’s own YouTube “vlogs” are highly entertaining.