First of all, that Galway incident supposedly invoking an 1837 Unlawful Accommodation of Donkeys Act is apparently a hoax. However, I have seen, with my own eyes, photographic evidence of BDSM garden gnomes. Second, Kinky Devil, “Ireland’s largest adult shop,” emphatically does not sell Leprechaun-shaped vibrators, shamrock pasties or anything that might be associated with St. Patrick’s Day. In Ireland, St. Patrick is still a significant religious figure and his saint's day is not an entirely secular celebration devoted to parades and beer, the way we think of it here in the United States. In fact, one of the highlights of Saturday’s San Francisco parade was a man in a green vest riding a motorized bar stool.
Some say St. Patrick (c. 387 - 493) drove the snakes off the island. Others say the “snakes” were actually the pagans. St. Patrick couldn’t stand the druids and according to Wikipedia, the druids didn’t like him much either:
Across the sea will come Adze-head, crazed in the head,
his cloak with hole for the head, his stick bent in the head.
He will chant impieties from a table in the front of his house;
all his people will answer: "so be it, so be it."
So tell me, could this ancient druid prophecy have anything to do with Fleshlight’s decision to create limited edition products in honor of St. Patrick’s Day? The Fleshlight press release says these products “celebrate the luck o’ the Irish” (someone should tell Fleshlight that this is a phrase steeped in historic irony) and that “the products all feature the Fleshlight sleeves and materials in a green hue and with holiday-inspired decorations,” only available through March 31st.
Fleshlight’s holiday offerings include “O’Doyle’s Stout, which has an Irish beer appearance on the can” and “features the brand-new butt orifice and the Mini Forbidden texture.” Hmmm... Sex in a can... a “cloak with hole for the head...” And then there’s “Mr. Limpy, the company’s novelty product... going green for March” with “the same soft Real Feel Super Skin as the Fleshlight.” Ahhhh... “his stick bent in the head!” (You see where I’m going with this, of course!) As for the tempting “Fleshlight Lady” with “a green sleeve” (alas, my love, you do me wrong!) “and a gold case and the Cyclone inner texture,” wouldn’t such a device cause you to chant impieties from a table in front of your house? And so here we have it, a new twist on “the wearing of the green” brought to you by adult novelties from across the sea, created by people crazed in the head... Yea, verily, the druids have won at last. Let’s hear it for the snakes, too. So be it. So be it.
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