CARNAL NATION

If you have been following the chronicles of Eve Minax, you now know how my kink-filled life began in some respect. You also know that my first official piece of gear was a red vinyl purse worn across my shoulders and chest like a Sam Brown at 8 years old, whipping it off at a moment’s notice to swat a gaggle of boys attacking some fragile little girl on the playground. Although I was a devoted tomboy, I LOVED that purse. It never had anything in it. Ever. I simply wore it as a weapon—unbeknownst to the adults who naturally encouraged said tomboy to be a bit more girly. The point of this illustration is to express to you, Dear Reader, how to, with a little ingenuity and chutzpah, “pervert” ordinary objects into useful tools for Erotic Power Play.

This month’s column, inspired by Earth Month and my editor’s encouragement, focuses on how to use your imagination for more fun, intensity, and intimacy. Some people picture BDSM as a big “scene” in which everyone wears black leather and beats people to a bloody pulp. In fact, most Dominatrices are expected to be wielding whips while wearing their rubber cat suits, cackling and snarling as they go along. True and not true. Like society at large, there exists a few economic classes of kinksters, many investing more money on gear than others have spent on real estate.  Mostly unnecessarily. We all start somewhere, but while some need the high-end gear (and oh, it can be fun!), others remain able to make the ordinary extraordinary with a minimal budgets and highly engaged skills.

Geography also plays into kink sentiments. Each country has its own propensities and reputations.  Even the United States expresses its kink regionally. The Western part of the United States has a reputation for being very touchy-feely compared to New York or Chicago. And within the West, we have Hollywood to the South where, as you can imagine, fetish, age, and size play paramount. But for our purposes today, let’s look at the Pacific Northwest, known for recycling and being generally green. I recently presented at a fabulous conference called Kinkfest in Portland, Oregon, wherein I saw bunny suits, leopard spandex, and pink puffy princesses popping out brightly amidst the expected sea of black (leather). I did not see the amazing array of leather wear and gear that I’d expect in a fashion capital as much as a creativity and a dynamism of play.  The bulk of the people, the energy, the atmosphere, and the way of life were about recycling. In fact, I purchased a lovely heavy leather over-the-knee spanking slapper made from old artillery leather, and I was pleased to see splashes of green and brown leather proudly displayed throughout the entire weekend.

In a word, unabashed and certifiably kinky SM folk are happy to use ordinary household objects to assist their deviant selves in having hot, kinky, sex. I am certainly no exception. I recently had an experience wherein my skills were called upon at a moment’s notice.

Here is what I had at my disposal:

• Apron
• Pair of panty hose
• Spatula
• Wooden spoon
• Belt
• Knife
• Potato
• Hairbrush
• Electric toothbrush
• Pillowcase
• Boot

What’s a girl to do?  Can you guess what I did with each? Or better yet, what would you do?

I took the apron and quickly wrapped my subject’s wrists in a secure fashion. Breathing heavily into my subject’s face, I suggested a little calm, and when I did not receive it, I took a spatula to the ass, ahh calm… Then I took the wooden spoon and slapped the aforesaid subject’s genitalia repeatedly. Mmmm, excellent results, but too much noise. I removed my pantyhose and shoved them in subject’s mouth. Taking off my belt, I secured my subject’s legs open. Then, I took a knife out of my pocket and ran it against my subject’s neck…a deep shudder then surrender. Quickly, I took the knife and carved a deep flange in the potato, covered it with a condom and then shoved it up my subject’s ass, assuring that the end of the condom was external for quick extrication later.

My subject was shuddering and wiggling and sighing and gasping…and began to beg for more.  I take a hairbrush off the nightstand, slapped the nipples, chest, groin, interspersing the strokes with abrasion from the boar hairs. Pure moans of pleasure arose as I noticed the electric toothbrush. Bzzzz, bzzzz, bzzzz…the noise alone was enough to make the subject writhe uncontrollably! I pushed the toothbrush gently against the crotch, and the subject began to cry out through the pantyhose —enough! I took a pillow and shoved it on my subject’s face lightly yet firm enough to show direction. “You may come now, pet,” I gently instructed. A final gasp, deep shudder, then calm again, deep calm. The “boot” was from my pair of boots, which needed to be thanked properly for such an indulgence.  My subject graciously kissed and showed gratitude to my boots.

Besides all of the objects maintaining their original purposes, (did we eat the potato later?), there are also at least three erotic powerplay uses for each. Can you think of some? Remember the Einstein quote displayed wonderfully on the bathroom wall of the Citadel, San Francisco’s foremost play space, “Knowledge is limited, but imagination encircles the world.”

And on that note, I bid you a creative, happy, hot, wet, sexy, intense, fun-filled Earth Month!!!