CarnalNation

As spring nears and Easter closes in on us, our minds happily turn to things rising from the dead. And thus to Zombies—as Zombies are such a vernal motif for so many of us.

In the spirit of preparedness, let's explore the joys and hazards of sexual adventures with a zombie partner. Unless the alien harvester invasion, massive meteor collision, or Al Gore's environmental apocalypse happens sooner than expected, we can anticipate a zombie outbreak eventually.

After the initial outbreak and ensuing chaos passes, the dust and brain bits will eventually settle. The newly integrated zombie population will create a whole new social fabric and cultural norm. Housing issues, labor rights, death-care policies and other public policy issues will surely come to the forefront, but as I'm a sexual culture writer, I'll leave that to the wonks, bureaucrats and subject matter experts.

The new zombie population and their putridly exotic ways will soon spawn a subculture eroticizing them, leading to zombie-chasers, zombie-hawks, growth in the mortuary and cemetery management industry, court battles over decriminalization and legalization of necrophilia, undead-porn, undead-sexual harassment cases and even star-crossed Romeo-and-Zombina romances.

Should your future erotic appetites run towards the undead hotties and studs, here are some tips, tricks and cautions for success and, most importantly, for survival.

Keep Your Head

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs….
                — Rudyard Kipling, "If"

While Kipling did not intend his famous verse for zombiephiles, it's still excellent advice to heed. Before venturing out to any form of undead hook-ups, be prepared and stay alive. With rare exceptions, most zombiephiles are attached to their own vitality and living state. I do recognize that some of the living will actively seek conversion to undeadness through zombie shagging, but motivations behind this are usually beyond simple sexual predilections, so I encourage a conversation with your (non-zombie) therapist.

Know your zombie's nutritional preference and dining inclinations. Is she or he exclusively a brainovore, or do they lean towards voracious omnivorism? Perhaps they have a preference for large muscle tissue or the tender organs such as eyes or the digestive tract. Your zombie will likely not disclose their preferences to you, even if you're very fluent in Zombian Groan. The only way you can be certain is through observation of their table manners during their feeding frenzies. This is one of the reasons why anonymous zombie hook-ups aren't such a great idea.

If they're exclusively a brainovore, protection is a bit easier. Invest in a really good helmet, preferably Kevlar, with ear coverings at a minimum. If the helmet doesn't have ear coverings, at least use ear plugs. They can smell your brains through your ear canals. If the mood suddenly strikes the two of you and you don't have a helmet at hand, find a metal colander and strap it to your head with duct tape. Read on and you'll discover why duct tape is an essential part of a zombiephile's love-kit.

If your paramour's preferences go beyond the content of your skull, you'll need to take other precautions. If you don't want to go for a full-body Kevlar or chainmail covering for yourself, as this would deny you that lovely skin-to-putrefying-flesh sensuality, at least cover their feeding and foraging implements. Ball gags, muzzles, full hoods are all good ideas. Make sure the gags made of chew-proof material such as carbon steel or granite. In a pinch, duct tape their lips and jaw shut. Don't forget to bind their fingers and hands; again, duct tape will work if you don't have exquisite bondage mitts.

Keep in mind that it's inadvisable to use the phrase "eat me" or "giving head" in your lovemaking. If fisting is your sexual act of choice, please clarify your term to your nether-worldly sweetie.

Keeping It Together

I fall to pieces,
Each time I see you again
I fall to pieces
How can I be just your friend?
                  —Harlan Howard and Hank Cochran, "I Fall to Pieces"

So crooned Patsy Cline, who may or may not have had secret love affairs with the undead during her prime, but certainly had it right about the melancholy nature of your zombie lover.

Your lover's level of decomposition will influence the potential of body part detachments. When newly made, zombie males are quite sexually popular, due to rigor mortis aiding in a serious case of petrified wood.  With longtime zombie gentlemen, due to advanced natural rotting, you should be prepared for potential penile dislocation or detachment. It's just a fact of necro-love. If you really love his cock, then take the time to have his rod magnificently mounted by a taxidermist. It's a very romantic gesture. At a practical level, strap-on harnesses and dildos prove a very convenient solution for both of you. Have one on hand regardless of state of decay, just to be prepared. It saves both of you from that common awkward moment of unplanned E.D. (Erectile Dismemberment)

With newly made zombabes, the rigor mortis creates exceptionally pleasing tightness but lubrication can be an issue. Since she is dead, allergies or sensitivities won't be an issue, so go ahead and enjoy whatever slippery stuff you have on hand. Motor oil adds a lovely earthy richness to the scent of fresh death. If she's been around for a while, the rigor mortis loosens but there is greater slippery natural lubrication produced by the decay process, adding some exotic sensations.

Beyond the peculiarities of E.D., other body parts can fall off as well. Since we mentioned fisting earlier, if you like being fisted, at times you may find your enthusiasm may detach their arm or hand into you. Most zombie lovers know to simply grasp that embedded arm with the one still attached and use it like a dildo, so you won't miss a beat of pleasure. If they don't know this, instruct them to do so.

Duct tape, once again, is essential for emergency limb re-attachments. If considering a long-term relationship with a zombie, know that eventually he or she will be so wrapped up in tape that they may resemble a mummy more than a zombie. If the idea of humping a mummy leaves you cold, prophylactic fashion maybe necessary. Binding your zombie in plastic wrap before love-making will help keep it together for them while preserving the visual splendor of their necrotic skin. For the more fetishistic, latex, neoprene or leather garments help in maintaining their bodily integrity.