In the last couple of columns, we've shared some of our thoughts on the principles of sex therapy and touched a bit on the history and theory of various approaches. In this column, we want to focus on an issue often overlooked when folks set out to find themselves a therapist—and that is the importance of actually finding the right therapist.
In many ways, finding the right clinician is like finding the right nanny. You wouldn't think twice about talking to a few different candidates, asking a lot of questions, and getting references before hiring someone to care for your children. Sometimes, though, interviewing therapists (especially when you have a problem of *ahem* a sexual nature) can be daunting. Many clients report feeling intimidated and awkward during initial contact.
What's okay to ask? What kind of language should you use? What information do you need?
How do you locate a therapist?
For finding a therapist (as for nannies) personal referrals are the gold standard. Do you have a friend who spoke highly of a former therapist? Do you have another professional in your life (doctor, massage therapist, lawyer) who might have a referral? It won't guarantee a good outcome for you, but it's good to know that someone you trust also trusts this clinician.
If you don't have someone who knows someone, in California, you can utilize an online service called Therapist Finder through the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists. A good resource anywhere in the country is the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, and if your issue is of a kinky nature, there's a great database called Kink Aware Professionals maintained by the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom.
If none of those options work for you, you can always fall back on a Google search on "[your presenting issue, if you know it] + [your city] + therapy".
Finally, if you have insurance that might pay for sex therapy, your insurance company is likely to limit your options to providers on their plan. Check with your insurer first, to save yourself the nightmare of trying to get reimbursed for payments you've already made to an off-plan provider.
What should you look for?
If you have a pretty specific problem and a good idea up front of exactly what it is, then there may be a particular approach that has been shown by evidence to work best for that problem. For instance, if you are a woman who has never had an orgasm (and your doctor has ruled out physiological problems) then there's a specific behavioral therapy that has something like a 90% effectiveness rate for anorgasmic women, and you probably want to talk to someone who's familiar with that treatment.
On the other hand, if you haven't fully defined what's troubling you, then the first goal of your therapy is going to be figuring out what you're working on. And if (like many people) you feel uncomfortable with the idea of talking to a complete stranger about the most intimate part of your life, then the first goal is going to be developing enough rapport for you to feel able to dig into the specifics of your sexual concern.
Finally, many problems that take us to therapy aren't that specific, and are more about exploring some aspect of our sexuality or our attitudes about sex. In these cases, feeling like your therapist's personality and style are a really good fit for you—like they get you and like their feedback
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