CarnalNation

So I take it you two are monogamous and that you have each signed up to have an exclusive sexual relationship with each other, which means you have agreed to work to meet the sexual needs of your partner. If you're both satisfied, then, hey, no matter how much sex you're having, that's not a problem! The problem comes around when either the amount (or the quality) of sex you're having changes, or the feelings that one of you has about your sex life changes (that someone wants more than they are getting, for example).

You say: “I don’t think my partner is [that interested.]” But do you really know? You must make sure. Sounds like you’re overdue for a conversation.

Consider:

Are you both satisfied with your sex life? What do you wish would change? What do you love about it? Do you have sex often enough? Is it experimental enough? Are your fantasies and desires being fulfilled? 

If you really need to get into it, then think about it long and hard, separately and together. Why are neither of you are interested in sex? Are you preoccupied with life? Are there other, deeper factors here? Did you previously have a very satisfying sex life, but family/pets/hobbies/Rachel Maddow obsessions/kids/careers have taken over? Are you, frankly, bored with your partner? Is your non-interest really boredom?

Maybe your answer is: “Nope, everything is really fine. I'm not bored; I'm just not that into it.” That’s perfectly okay! Take a look at some of the asexuality movement literature, perhaps, if that feels comforting. You might find some things that are relevant, especially with regard to the surrounding culture's obsession with sex and feeling “normal” if you don't fit into that model.

The tricky part here is that what feels okay now might not feel okay later, for either you or for your partner. So you keep checking in, and it is important to build a relationship in which someone can voice their feelings if things change. Talk to your partner about this. As much as you can, keep this an honest, open conversation between you. If you’re both satisfied, then there’s no issue here. Let the rest of us perverts go along with our whips and chains and role-play, and you enjoy whatever it is you love to enjoy.

If you’re still unsure about whether your relationship is suffering from Lesbian Bed Death (LBD), then take Sinclair Sexsmith's Handy Dandy Lesbian Bed Death Quiz.
 

Many elements come into play with this question. Some non-medical studies have shown that females (in general) show less interest in sex when they’re in secure relationships. However, every relationship is different, and there is a whole world of dynamics between the two of you. I think it is really important for both of you to sit down and discuss this subject. Don't be afraid to be honest while taking an inventory of your relationship, including an evaluation of your sex and sensuality. Remember your relationship is unique and very special; don't be too critical simply because of some well-publicized theories and studies.

Forcing yourselves to have sex could become yet another unwanted pressure. If you both find that you do want something more, you could stop approaching sex as sex and just explore touching and sensuality in more therapeutic or body-work-oriented activities. There are many institutions that offer sensual touch/massage classes for couples. These classes could work as a gateway to explore other sensual activities. The two of you might also try writing erotica together. Again I would recommend you both join a local writing group, so there is an added sense of purpose in the process. Also it’s sometimes easier to be told to do something sensual than to initiate it.

Engage in activities that you both enjoy other than sex and do more of it. Finding connection and joy in shared activities will strengthen your bond and communication. I personally don’t believe that the usual "remedies” (watching porn, playing with toys, etc.) are really all that useful for long-term relationships. However, you might find couples counseling useful since sex is just a small part of the whole picture of your relationship.

Love,

I agree that there is always some truth in clichés, but I am not sure that the phrase "lesbian bed death" is really that much different than any other couple's struggles with their fluctuating sex drives, regardless of their sexual preference or identity. My experience with longer-term relationships is that the sexual life of a couple needs time and energy reserved for it to develop and grow. It is absurd for anyone to assume that their sex life is always going to be hot without intentionally devoting some time and energy to it. Unfortunately, you most often only see examples of happy, sexy, and very active couples in the media, and thus think that the progression of a sex life is suppose to be spontaneous and close to perfect. My question for you is this: would you consider any other part of your life to be perfect without practice? Communication, cohabitating, negotiating varying needs, raising a family, climbing a career ladder, playing a sport, etc. all take some level of dedication and practice. Sexuality is the same, and the sooner we as a society realize that, I think our perception of what is "normal" with sex will certainly broaden.

The most important advice I can give you is to spend time truly figuring out how both of you feel rather than making assumptions. Starting a conversation during which you can discuss how much sex you want, as well as what your definition of sex is, might be a good place to start. Many people are intimate with their partners in various ways. Maybe one of the reasons neither of you feels you want more is that your intimate needs are being met already.