It's really easy to say you'll be a cool sex-positive parent when you're picturing teaching a young child the correct names for body parts, having a frank discussion about sex and why safe sex is important with a tween, or empowering your teen to ask for and get the right birth control for them. I have planned for those moments.
I'd read and heard anecdotally that toddlers tend to explore and touch their genitals. I accepted that it was healthy and normal and was ready to have a talk with my 2- or 3-year-old (the ages mentioned in most of the anecdotes I'd read in parenting magazines or seen online) about how it's great to get to know your body. I pictured a discussion about appropriate places to do it and less appropriate places to masturbate in a way that did not make them feel like it was a bad thing. At this age it's not a sexual act—they are curious about their bodies and understand that certain things feel good. You get a lot of boys playing with their penises, and girls either rubbing against things or touching themselves.
I never expected to be dealing with a 14-month-old masturbator.
But there I was, at the changing table, with the Little Mistress's hands diving down the second I opened the diaper.
My first reaction was to say "No," and pull her hands away. Then shame rushed over me—had I failed my first sex-positive parenting test?
On one hand, I don't ever want her to feel the shame I felt. Growing up Catholic I was told that I shouldn't pay attention to my own body except to clean it. When I did start to explore my body, I lived in fear and shame that someone might walk in on me. It's no real surprise that once masturbation was sexual I began to take veeeeeeeeeeery long showers (with a locked door). To this day I am by preference an under-the-covers, lights-out kind of masturbator for the most part.
On the other, there are times when it's just not appropriate. At 14 months, the LM is obviously still in diapers. When she has a bowel movement, I don't want her hands exploring her vulva because it's unsanitary and there is a risk of causing a Urinary Tract Infection as the urethra is very short at this age. That risk is the foundation of teaching girls to wipe themselves from front to back: to keep the potentially harmful bacteria in feces away from the urethra.
But then there are the times when it is safe (from a sanitary point of view) for her to explore her body, and I try to give her a few minutes to do so, even as it disturbs me.
While I don't agree with their stance, I am beginning to have some empathy for men who are disturbed at the sight of a woman breastfeeding. It's difficult not to associate a body part with a particular emotion or behavior, even when that body part (in the LM's case, her clitoris) is not being used in the manner to which you are accustomed.
It is far more challenging for me to have this behavior crop up now when she says a grand total of three words rather than a year from now, when she'll have a much better expressive vocabulary. She understands such sentences as "Where's the block?" or "Can you wave bye-bye?" but a discussion about behaviors and when they're appropriate is far beyond her capacity right now.
At my mom group two weeks ago, one parent had brought up an unrelated diaper issue. I thought it was an excellent time to introduce the topic of masturbation.
"Speaking of diaper issues," I began. "So, I know it's usually in the 2-3 year range, but…um…when I'm changing her diaper? Her hands? She likes to explore down there?"
Down there? Had I seriously just used the phrase "down there?" I have ranted on the subject of how much I loathe that particular phrase to friends and my partner at length and on multiple occasions. What is it about being surrounded by those who most likely do not share my values that made me fall into pathetic phrasing like "down there" as opposed to vulva, clitoris, or even vagina?
I also do not usually speak in the interrogative, choosing instead to leave that for the tweenagers I used to teach.
My cheeks burning, I glanced around at the other moms in the circle. The moms of other little girls seemed to take great interest in adjusting the barrette in their daughter's hair, or in a spot of dirt on the opposite wall.
The moms of the little boys were unified in their approach of choice; misdirection.
"Keep a toy or a spare keychain handy," one mom said with a knowing tone in her voice.
"We use a squeaky toy," said another.
They nodded. Misdirection. It was the solution. Period.
"Okay! Time to play with the sand table!!!" the group leader, another mom of daughters who'd stayed silent, chirped.
The moment was over; the subject changed before I could really engage them in it.
I found it particularly interesting that in a group that is pretty evenly divided in terms of number of children of either sex, only the boys moms were speaking up. I was curious if that's because it's more socially accepted that a son would play with his penis as opposed to a girl playing with her clitoris, or if it was just this particular group of moms? Unfortunately, among my close friends who have children, I am surrounded by parents of boys, so they could not add much to the conversation.
But based upon my experiences in person, in our playgroup and online, only moms of boys are talking about this. But I'm under no illusions that my daughter is in a minority of girls who explore their genitals… only that she has a mother who is in a minority of moms willing to talk about it.
Apparently I'm not the only one who has been discomforted by this.
I'm curious: how many of you went through this at such a young an age as well? What did you do? Distract, let them explore, some combination of the two, or something different? Depending on the biological sex of your child, did your reaction change? Comment below or send your answers to me privately.
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toddlers masturbating
When my oldest daughter was about 2 1/2-3 she would always have her hands in her crotch, often absentmindedly, like while watching TV, etc. In addition to overcoming my own Catholic, shaming childhood, I was also worried that she'd be playing with herself at school or, horror, Grandma's house! But I definitely didn't want to shame her, so I'd say, "Now, we only do that in private." Then, one day when I said that, she responded, "Do you do that, Mommy?" "Uh........"
I'm not really sure what I answered. I think possibly I used some distraction,"Hey look! Sesame Street's on!" Not my finest moment. Anyway, I don't have words of wisdom, but that kid is now 18, sexually active and responsible and she doesn't, as far as I know, masturbate at school or Grandma's.
You know that feeling that
You know that feeling that you can get when you either are not aroused AT ALL or are post-orgasmic where your clitoris is so sensitive to the touch that it's kind of painful? I remember as a child, my clitoris ALWAYS felt like that. If I accidentally touched it while in the bathtub, it was so sensitive as to actually hurt. Thus, I never really masturbated. I remember still being kind of fascinated by it, though.
exercising
I know of someone's daughter who was fond of rubbing against things urgently while dressed, and we called it exercising and paid no particular attention to it. I haven't noticed her doing this now that she's grown up...
14 months seems late to me, actually.
Ours both (boy and girl) started earlier than that. Our approach was and still is basically to distract them enough to get the disaster area cleaned of bodily effluvia, then let them have some time for self-exploration. The talk about appropriate times and places then needs to happen as soon as they don't wear diapers during the day.
The most discomforting aspect for us was the considerable amount of rather vigorous tugging going on. And no, there were no differences in our reaction depending on the sex of the child.
Masturbating toddlers
I've been a vocal advocate on my blog of sex-positive parenting from an early age. My kids all touched their genitals when they were in diapers; if I didn't have a reason to hurry and if they hadn't had a bowel movement, I always gave them a minute or two. In the bath tub, we would explain that we touch our penis or our vulva in private, like when we're alone in our rooms. My oldest is school age now, and it's worked out just fine. He's old enough to understand that there's nothing wrong with masturbating when he has privacy. By the time he was three or four, he started asking for a few minutes of privacy in the bathtub. I thought this was a good sign that he both understood that masturbation is private behavior, and also wasn't ashamed to do it when he had privacy.
Infantile masturbation
As long as a child is not harming herself - Leave Her Alone! When she is old enough to understand, and is learning social skills, you may teach her when and where it is appropriate to masturbate, and when/where not to masturbate.
On Children
Kahlil Gibran
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
I have a 2 (almost 3) year
I have a 2 (almost 3) year old little girl who has been playing with herself for the past two months or so. Initially I pretended she wasn't doing such a thing then saw that she was. My husband flipped out and yelled at her. I had a firm talk with him (and my mother who watches her and swears I never had this "problem") and explained that she doesnt know what she's doing and she shouldnt be ashamed to find out how her body works.
If I ever catch her in the act, I either ignore it and go about my own business, or I try to distract her with something else, like going to the park or helping me clean up. She's gotten so comfortable with herself she tried to squeeze the metal piece in between the child seat on the grocery cart between her legs... I quickly told her "no" that it wasnt the time or the place for that and that's only for PRIVATE time. Who knows if she actually understood but I think me being understanding that she wasnt necessarily doing something *wrong* but just at the wrong time she happily stopped and didnt try again.
I hope that as she gets older she will be more aware of her surroundings and doesnt try things like that in public and of course, eventually thanks me for letting her be positive about her body and sexual things.
I'm sick of parents pretending that "kids" dont think/have/want sex. Why encourage the teen pregnancy rate to not go down because you dont want to take her to planned parenthood? Wise up people.. We have the key to population control and its not Abstinence.
Conjecture
I would guess that both clitoris and penis are packed full of sensitive nerves, and feel good to touch, regardless of age, gender, and/or sexuality. I don't think that they suddenly 'appear' one day during puberty - they were there all along, and functional, even if sperm and egg production hasn't started yet - those are entirely different organs.
My best guess is that it's analogous to how babies put everything in their mouths. Taste, touch, sight, sound, all of it is new, and must be explored.
It's Fine
Really, it is. My 2 year old started touching herself early on--I don't really remember when--but she was less than a year old. She has never reached into her diaper; she masturbates when she's naked, and most often in the tub.
Don't worry about it.
If the LM reaches down into a possibly dirty diaper, you might just explain that we don't touch dirty things like the inside of a diaper. My daughter understands not to touch herself when I'm cleaning and changing her--I believe because I've reiterated messages about "dirty" things being diapers, clothes at the end of the day, dishes in the dishwasher ...
My best advice is to treat the masturbation as normally as you would anything that's, well, normal.
thanks for the great post
Let her play
I used to let my daughter, now 2, explore during changing time (after everything was cleaned up) and still do during the occasional bath time. Otherwise "out of sight, out of mind," I guess. I always answer her questions nonjudgmentally and as minimally as possible and let her ask for the level of clarification she needs. Lately, she's taken to watching herself pee. What can I say? It's interesting! She doesn't seem obsessed by it so it doesn't bother me.
Once when she was about 1 year old she started to masturbate over her clothes with a toy while company was present. At that time I distracted her with a different toy and way to play. So then that action joined others in the campaign to teach when certain behaviors are not appropriate (like playing at the dinner table or kicking balls in the house).
Denial Down There
I have 3 children ..2 girls 1 boy . my girls were both before my boy. I have always told anyone who mentioned that any one of my children( reguardless of gender) was touching themselves "it's thiers, so leave them alone". Not everyone agreed but I held fast. They soon rub themselves raw and slow down on thier own. I too was brought up catholic so it was difficult getting my extended family to go along with my parenting style. however my daughters are now 26 and 19 and my son is 17 and they all have healthier views on sexuality than I did at thier ages. I also told my children whenever the subject of masterbation came up "That everyone does it. and they dio it because it feels good . And if they say they don't, they're lyeing. And masterbating isn't the problem they have.It's the lyeing about it"
Been there, Dealing with that
Our 2 1/2 year old has been reaching "down there" more often recently. We did run into an issue when her nails were too long and she scratched herself, poor thing. Luckily, she knew enough to say, "Mommy, my vulva hurts." Our solution in general has been to say, "I know it feels good when you touch your vulva, but that's something we do in private. Do you want some private time by yourself?" Sometimes she says yes and runs off to her room. Sometimes she says no, and we carry on with our day. As for one so young as 14 months, I always gave all the information whether there were words or no. Something as simple as, "That's your vulva. Where's your nose?" can move a little one's hand away from a dirty diaper while affirming that her vulva/clitoris/down there bits are a part of her body, just like everything else.