The Semen Survey, Part II: Intimate Edibles
The "five nectars” are among the “inner offerings” presented during ancient Tantric feasts: semen, brains, blood, urine, and feces. Through the ages, semen has been an element in many rituals and an ingredient in many magic potions.
So are we surprised that a modern gourmet, Paul “Fotie” Photenhauer, has published Natural Harvest - A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes? No, we are not. Though the Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices (by Brenda Love) cautions that “consumption of a partner’s secretion is not considered a safe-sex practice,” I suppose we can be relieved that the cookbook’s author is reportedly a nurse from San Francisco.
Natural Harvest sounds like a “must have” for my sexological library—yes, I’ll get a copy ASAP, and yes, I’ll review it in depth in a future column. (And boy, can I see a sequel to Julie & Julia now!) Natural Harvest is available through Lulu.com, has been nominated for a Gourmand World Cookbook Award, and is apparently going into its third edition. Though I do not have the book in hand, I did scan some book reviews and found a few alleged “tips” (no pun intended), such as “semen cooks like egg whites, not mayonnaise.” Ginger tea was apparently also recommended as a semen taste enhancer. Go to www.cookingwithcum.com for a direct link to the Natural Harvest purchase page.
I haven’t had this much fun since the last time I wrote a column! Googling around, I found “semen sautée[sic]” on the Urban Dictionary. Sounds like you can just fry up those li'l lip-smackin’ critters of love. My only question is “non-stick pan or a light coating of oil?” The semen cuisine craze can be found even on such far-flung websites as the DiscoverVancouver.com/forum. One Canadian describes his wife’s favorite hearty breakfast “i [sic]... jerk off and shoot my load all over the pan on med heat and it cooks up just like pancakes and it bubbles and forms into a flat pancake and my wife has eaten it scrambled even with syrup. its [sic] amazing how sperm cookes [sic] in cooking pans but the smell is horrible and haunting. it [sic] smells like fish eggs and sour milk and flesh blacch [sic].” Well, I suppose if you’re out of Canadian bacon...
If that’s not appetizing enough for you, “jizz brownies” and other baked goods are also apparently popular repositories. One blogger got this response from a reader, “We raised 400$ [sic] for a church during the bake sale because people could not get enough of the cream cheese cookies we made. Thanks Semen cookbook.” Another blogger suggests leaving this cookbook in plain sight if annoyed by boring dinner guests and relatives (and I would add: those who don’t appreciate cream cheese cookies).
I found more recipes on SemenTherapy.com. I do appreciate their cautionary advice: “The donor must be healthy, he must not have a STD (Sexually transmitted disease) or a bloodborne contagious disease. He must not have had acute long-term exposure to poisons, heavy metals, radiation, or intravenous injections. The receiver must not be allergic to semen, sensitive to testosterone, or have cancer tumors that could contact concentrated ejaculate (due to prostaglandins).” In addition: “it is a crime to put semen in someone's food or drink without their permission.”
SemenTherapy also says that mixing semen in cola drinks causes a chemical reaction that causes the cola coloring to separate—damn, but that sounds like one heck of a science project to me! I also learned that if you don’t let the semen “melt” before mixing it with orange juice, the “cool juice will keep the jism stuck to the glass.” (What would Martha do?)
Now that my readers are all excited, and perhaps even... hungry... let me ruin your appetite with the next installment of my Semen Taste Survey results.