CarnalNation

You've joined one of the Internet's many adults-only social networking sites, such as Match.com or Alt.com or one of the countless others. The place is filled with profiles of hot women and the groups are buzzing with the talk of sex and naughtiness. It should be easy for you to connect with hot women, right? But are you finding that you don't seem to be getting anywhere? The other guys in the group aren't about to tell you their secrets to success, and the women simply aren't rushing to you. You send personal messages and you just get the big brush-off. It's not working.

It's time to change your strategy and up your success rate. Here's step-by-step advice towards sexier living through digital social networking.

PUMP UP YOUR PROFILE'S CHICK APPEAL

Would you leave your house in a ratty bathrobe and old boxers to meet sexy babes at the hottest club in town? No.

If you don't spiff up your online profile with chick-appeal in mind you're digitally dressing yourself in that threadbare bathrobe. The personal page full of blanks won't make you a man of mystery, it just makes you a man with an empty life.

Women use a different decoder ring to read profiles than men do. Men read inches, women read words. Men want stats, women want narrative. If you want to hook up with women, write for their decoder ring. Otherwise you're writing for the male mind. Of course if you like both men and women, your profile should speak to both brains, containing numbers and narrative. (Personally I think bisexual men are the hottest, but that's just me.)

Let's start with your photo.

Do not use a photo of your cock, no matter how magnificent your tool is. So many guys do this that many women joke about these dating sites as being a "mushroom forest." They want to meet a man—the whole package. The ones who want just the cock already have a drawerful in sizes that frighten horses.  Anyway, true men of mystery shroud their schlongs in foreplay and hints of devastating skill that drive women nuts with anticipation.

Do not use captured images from your computer cam. The screen light makes you look ill and it screams, "I have no friends to take my photo." Unless you're really good at self-portraits, do not take your own photo in a mirror. The angle makes any belly look big and legs stumpy. Not flattering.

Photos that women find attractive show a guy's face. If the musculature of shoulders, arms and pectorals are visible, that's even better. If the photo shows him in some outdoorsy activity, that's a big plus. If you're not a big jock, at least get a shot taken while throwing a Frisbee to the dog a few rounds. Yes, you can crop the dog out.

Doggie Don'ts: While many women love man's best friend, do not take a photo while clutching your dog in an excessively loving manner. It looks creepy.

Here's how you want the Female Decoder ring to translate your photo: "He has a healthy, active life. He's not a weird computer-bound loner. He's got strong arms to hold me and good stamina to give me pleasure with." Alternatively, if you have a hobby you're really passionate about, get a photo of you engaged in your hobby. The joy of one's hobby tends to make anyone photogenic in the moment. This does not include World of Warcraft.

Next, let's work on your description.

Be honest about yourself, especially about age, occupation and relationship status. If you're not single, don't lie about it. While I think cheating on your lover is lousy, I realize that the reality is many online cruisers are doing just that. If you're looking for a hook-up on the "down-low," you might as well say as much. That way you'll find women doing the same, reducing drama and making the necessary safer-sex talk down the road so much easier.

Profile Don'ts:

• Do not say or imply that you're god's gift to women.
• Don't use hokey lines from bygone eras like "love long walks on the beach."
• Do not brag about your size. Just don't brag.
• Do not bitch about your ex or whine about how your wife/girlfriend doesn't understand you.
• Do not list all your gamer stats.
• Don't use just your online ID without an actual human name, and don't make that some dorky boastful ID. "Big10-4-U" and "h0tstud-FL" are generally used by guys who are exactly the opposite.
• Do not use abbreviations and Twitter shorthand. U r not kewl as swm iso milf 4 p&p.

If you do any of these, your profile is likely to be the material for cackle-fests of women reading dumb personal ads for entertainment. We women do that, you know.

It can be hard to write about your own charms and strengths, but you can get help. Ask your friends, ideally female friends, about your character strengths. List your values, core beliefs and ethics that are central to who you are. You should be brief but eloquent on these.