CARNAL NATION

I know, I know, it was late for a sexpot like me, but I didn’t learn the full joys of masturbation until I was about 15.  I'd discovered a picture in my grandfather’s Oui magazine of a naked girl in a bathtub, legs spread under the faucet.  "Wow," I thought, "I should try that!"  Try it I did – again and again! The water pressure in the pre-war Upper West Side Manhattan apartment of my childhood was so fantastically powerful that the stream from the faucet did the trick. I orgasmed many a time that way. 

It's been years since I lived in the apartment of the oh-so-perfect water pressure. My current funky bohemian New York City pad has no such bathroom benefits, so imagine my delight when I read the words, "bath and shower friendly," on the back of the package for the "Evolved" Seduction Vibe. I hoped the bathtub could once again become my sexual sanctuary. Would the Seduction Vibe help me recapture my youth?

I found the Seduction Vibe both relaxing and stimulating in the tub. The packaging claims that the vibrator is quiet, but I found the buzz pretty audible. If you use it in the bath, however, the sound blends right in with the rushing water. It did the trick. I buzzed my way to orgasm and, when I was done masturbating, I rinsed it and used it on my tired, aching feet. Perhaps I’m not so young anymore, after all.

The other night, when my boyfriend was out of town, as I lay in bed I found the Seduction Vibe a nice replacement for his fingers. I turned to my favorite selection in that masterpiece of Victorian porn, “The Pearl,” and let my Vibe do its work. I pushed its one simple button three times: past the first, barely noticeable "nothing" speed to "medium,” then on to the speed I call "oh yeah, baby."  This top speed is perfect for my taste: less industrial strength than that old standby, the "Magic Wand,” but strong enough to satisfy. The texture of the “skin” is also exactly what you want in a vibrator: smooth, non-irritating, and, of course, purple. The gracefully-designed Vibe slipped easily into my pussy, making a simple task of self-fucking, and its tapered tip facilitated optimum clitoral stimulation.  

Unlike some other lovers, the Seduction Vibe is simple to comprehend, elegant, versatile, fun, easy to clean and hassle-free to take on vacation. What more could a girl want?

It was Christmas time when I received my package among a flurry of gifts that had been shipped from far away family members. Of course I was relieved that I didn't have to explain this particular package to the children; after all, 'tis the season for packages on our doorstep!

I opened the box to find a cute metal box containing the sleek and silky waterproof Seduction Vibe by Evolved. The package did not come with instructions or batteries, but a vibrator is pretty self-explanatory. That evening, the hubby and I had a free moment to check it out. We stole batteries from the television remote and...nothing. The hubby tried batteries from the alarm clock, the kids' toys and, finally, from my big old box of sex toys, and...nothing.

I grabbed the Seduction from him, feeling frustrated and ready to make a call to one of our editors to proclaim that our newest toy was a dud. I fiddled with the little push-button control while examining the 6-ish-incher. The texture of it was delightful: smooth and soft with kind of a bulbous end. Then I noticed that it was actually on. Was it just that the batteries were weak? Or was it really that subtle of a vibration? I pushed the button again and the vibration got a bit more intense. One more time and the Seduction purred like a quiet kitten. Honestly, we mocked the lowest setting of this pretty little lady at first. I mean, really, we have tested out incredible, intense, crazy toys and then this dinky little thing?

Then we started screwing around with it. Wow. That dinky little thing ended up feeling like slow, seductive, teasing torture! We were so used to mind-blowing vibes that we forgot how nice and intense a subtle vibe can be—that a slow, torturous build-up can lead to the most explosive orgasms. He used that slowest speed to torture and tease every part of my body for what seemed like forever. Then he clicked the button (which I think looks like it should have a little light or something on it) to up the speed, and then again. Fan-freakin'-tastic! 

Now here comes Christmas, New Year's, horrifying head colds, working full-time again, and the big one: the kids' winter vacation! We have no sex while the kids are on vacation; they stay up all night even when they are sent to bed. They are always lurking: trying to see what's on TV and pretending to be very interested in it, going to the bathroom every 5 minutes (sneaky way of checking on what you might be up to), cultivating their new-found love for Conan O'Brien. Add that to the chaos of the holidays: trying to find time to shop, trying to find money to shop, trying to find time to wrap, trying to come up with a festive feast on the cheap, racking your brain for that perfect little something. Throw in a little part-time job that instantly turned into a minimum of 40 hours a week and, well, you get the picture. Sex is non-existant. You know that it will relieve the stress. You know that it will make the holiday seem somehow brighter. You know it might give you that warm, fuzzy, sparkly feeling. You know that it might just help clear your head so you can come up that perfect idea or find the strength to bake just one more batch of cookies with a smile (and happily clean up the enormous mess of flour and pastel-colored icing). But, no. It can't happen; there is no time or even free moments. The kids are always there, there is always something that needs to get done. There is just plain exhaustion. The collapse-into-bed kind. The asleep before you hit the pillow kind. The walking around like a zombie kind. 

So, I  considered myself lucky to have the Seduction hidden under my bathroom sink in a box of hot rollers. Relief was only an "I have to use the bathroom" away. Most of the times I was able to escape, I only had mere minutes until someone was banging on the door, demanding my attention. For those brief moments I would just quickly click three times (feeling like Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz: "There's no place like an empty home. There's no place like an empty home. There's no place like an empty home.") and hit the right spot for a little thrill and return to life feeling more human. And then, on rare days, when I was able to shower by myself, with no one in the bathroom, I took the Seduction with me for just a little bit of that slow, sweet torture. This little toy that I'd mocked and scoffed at has become my best friend. It is quiet, easy to use, nicely shaped, easily hide-able, silky soft, and has a setting for any mood. The Seduction was my savior during a very long winter break and busy holiday season.

Finally, the day came for the kids to go back to school. Hubby and I had been waiting for what seemed like forever for a night when the kids would actually go to bed and we could finally be together and I got my period. Sigh. I guess a few more days won't kill us.

I've always been a sucker for good packaging, so when my toy arrived I perked up quickly. It comes in a lock-down metal tin (a sort of vibrator coffin) with a foam insert to keep the vibrator from moving around. It'd be great for storing your vibrator when not in use or, alternatively, could be used for keeping condoms in, if you keep your toys permanently out. Battery insertion is not rocket science on this model; a quick trip to the battery drawer and my new purple buddy was ready for use.

This toy is not a high tech vibe: it doesn't wiggle, do circles around your clit or have crazy patterns. It basically has three modes: non-existant, OK and finally it vibrates. Sure, I might be exaggerating about its lack of power, but I like my vibrations strong. It has a smooth texture exterior which is non-porous and Phthalates-free. The on/off/speed switch is a button located on the base of the vibe, which is a mixed blessing. There is no twisting or trying to figure out which switch controls what. This makes things quick to use but it's also really easy to accidentally shut it off in the throes of hot sex.

I found the vibe to be a little hard. It doesn't flex at all and vaguely reminds me of the classic plastic vibes of decades ago. I am a total G-spot stimulus slut and this vibe has no curve to it at all., meaning there was no G-spot stimulus at all. I found it a little "pointy" and had to have my lover slow down on the thrust. When used in conjunction with another toy it did its job just fine.  At 6 inches long and only 1.5 inches in diameter, it would be a great beginner toy. Since this is a waterproof toy, I grabbed it on the way to the shower and decided to have some water fun. This time, instead of inserting it, I just rubbed it against my clit and squeezed it between my legs while I showered. I found myself getting pretty hot and, with a little extra help from the shower massage head, had a nice little orgasm. It served well in the clit stimulating situation and it actually was waterproof—which is amazing. I have bought many toys that are labeled waterproof and they usually die after two uses. This one actually lives in my shower now for whenever I need a little extra stimulation in the morning. Now if I only had more hot water.

I would classify the Seduction as a novelty toy, but for 28 bucks it makes a great water toy. I'll give it 3 stars. I'll even add an extra .5 for being well packaged, easy to put batteries into and not being loud enough to concern the neighbors.