CARNAL NATION

Earlier this year, while opening a box of samples from a women’s toy party company, I was amused and then flummoxed by the amount of animal-shaped clitoral stimulators that cling to vibrators like cocoons on a raspberry leaf.

What does this mean?

In trying to wrap my mind around the question, I imagine the focus groups testing the market for these products: a gathering of women of all ages and socioeconomic backgrounds in a room with a two way mirror, dueling fragrances across a polished conference room table, while the professionally cordial focus group moderator (probably a blonde in heels) probes (no pun intended) for marketable traces of mild female zoophilia.

My biggest question is, what cute li'l animals have been admitted to humanity's silicon/latex/hard-plastic-probably-loaded-with-endocrine-disruptors vibrating zoo? Secondly, is cuteness the only criteria for wannabe sex toy animals?

The answer to the second is probably “no.” Cuteness is not the only criterion. Gerbils, puppies, kittens, baby lambs and monkeys do not show up (at least they didn’t in the box and catalog that was before me). But perhaps gerbils, puppies and kittens—being household pets—are a little too dependent on humans for iconic sexual exploitation. Then too, lambs are something some of us eat and digest.

Sexiness is also not a criteria: silicon replicas of snakes, dragons, bulls, tigers, and leopards did not cling to the vibrators arrayed before me—though a "majestic lion" does put in an appearance on an Egyptian-themed device. And just so you Jungians know, I did not see much evidence of archetypes and myths. There were no snow white unicorns vibrators, which was a surprise, because countless little girls grow up with fantasies of riding one. And nothing that suggested Leda and the Swan. Most of what I saw was a grown-up version of “My Little Pony.” 

As to the first question: rabbits with floppy ears seem to be the most popular. Butterflies were big too. I even saw a turtle-shaped "silicone pleasure sleeve." I found elephants, "beaver tongues," and hummingbirds. Rubber massage duckies too.

"Dancing dolphins" are definitely big. They are inevitably romanticized, sort of like unicorns of the deep. Other companies also carry dolphin-themed toys: “double dolphins, “dancin’ dolphins,” and “playful pleasures” dolphins with clit stimulators.

Perhaps the outstanding qualification has to do with functional shape. The sleek elongated dolphin toys are naturally designed for penetration (so where are the shark vibes with clit stimulating remora?). The plastic floppy bunny ears and butterfly wings, elephant trunks, "beaver tongues" (eeew! I squicked!), and hummingbirds all have features (like “soft jelly wings”) that flutter or flop, hopefully effectively, against our dear, unique organ of pleasure. But I still can’t see the turtle thing...

In the party catalog, there was a bit of good news for Druid Damsels. If botany is your thing, I found "tempting tulips" and "magic mushrooms." Alas for the lack of oak trees and mistletoe.

I really do think that designers for the sex toy industry show a lack of imagination in their thematic approach. They seem hopelessly mired in convention and the perceived necessity to make sex "cute" for women. Let's see some "action toys" for real, grown-up women! Like women who enjoy traveling and adventures and running high-tech companies and writing sex columns and stuff!

I can imagine a "Safari" line of vibrators featuring anteaters or a "Marsupials of Australia" line featuring the duck-billed platypus (those funny feet, got it?) and hopping kangaroos? C'mon, ladies, wouldn't you go for an "Underwater Adventure" series featuring narwhals, seals, and jellyfish, or shaped and named like submarines?

Women who are dieting could have clitoral stimulators shaped like cake wedges or ice cream cones! Why go for real-life calories when you can have real-life thrills instead?

Cowgirls and “buckle bunnies” could enjoy a softly prickly cacti vibe, or a “Buckin’ Bronco” dildo. Women who like to cook—I mean REALLY like it—could enjoy an assortment of “Cookin’ It” toys shaped like gourmet kitchen implements. Silicone rolling pins! Yeah! Knife play with a “Beaver Cleaver.” Whoa!

And for those who gravitate to edgy and mean, preferring spumoni to vanilla: clitoral stimulators could be shaped like guns, jackhammers, and motorcycles—even plumbers, dentists, and milk men! (It’s interesting though, the strap-ons I see advertised stick pretty much to conventional penis shapes—no tomfoolery there!)

Now, it’s one thing to buy a sex toy with an animal shape that looks like a cute, cartoon version of a duck or a dolphin. However, did you know that real zoophiles can buy silicone replicas of the sex organs of real animals? I sure didn’t know about this until my google of “animal shaped sex toys” landed me here.

I found colorful silicone replicas of the penises of tiger, pig, crocodile, wolf, dog, otter, dragon, mouse (I am not kidding), kangaroo, ram, fox, orca, lion, bear, and a couple of things that couldn’t be identified. The anonymous person submitting this article says “a zeta toy is the ‘skip’ portion of a furry’s inevitable hop, skip, and jump towards the sexual abuse of domesticated animals.”

As a sexologist, I dunno about that last statement. For one thing, “furries” may not always be actual zoophiles; they might just be people who go to Burning Man and wear cartoony-looking furry pants, or maybe they just watch a lot of anime or hang out in IMVU wearing penguin suits.

It also seems to me that the fantasy satisfied by having a toy replica of a tiger’s penis sure beats mauling an actual tiger at the zoo (and getting mauled in turn)—that is, if you’re into that kind of thing (and I assure you I’m not!). And as for domestic animals—I can imagine a hypothetical PETA-type animal lover, who also experiences zoophilia, who makes a conscious and conscientious effort to stay bonded to silicon replicas, not actual pets or laboratory animals (no slap to PETA intended, by the way). I can also tell you that those misguided tourists who book “swim with the dolphin” encounters in Hawai’i are disturbing the resting places and breeding grounds of spinner dolphins, causing their population to plummet drastically in the last few years. I’d much rather these folks, who claim to “love dolphins,” would put their money into a silicone facsimile and stay out of the water!