CarnalNation

Eggs! Eggs? Incredible beddable eggs. Well, why not? They certainly excited Edith Massey in Pink Flamingos (clip at the end of this review). These things are weird, silly, and, well, all that they're cracked up to be. Let me put it another way. To answer the age-old question of which came first, the chicken or the egg: if the chicken had these eggs, he definitely came first. No contest. I almost wrote "no ifs, ands, or clucks," but I resisted.

Like I said, these little elastomer eggs are silly. There are so many jokes to be made about them, but I promise to restrain myself from here on out. No choking the chicken double-entendres or punny misspellings of words like 'excellent' and 'extraordinary' or anything whatsoever to do with laying an egg (because there are too many connotations for that to be parsed effectively here). But part of the fun is the sheer silliness.

I must admit, however, that my first thought upon receiving my 'testing' eggs was: pantyhose. I'm probably dating myself (and given how often I jerk off, we're probably going steady by now), but they remind me of L'Eggs, those little plastic eggs that my mother's pantyhose used to come in. Suddenly, I was brought back to those strange and wonderful afternoons of my early teen years. After school and before Mom got home from work, I engaged in all sorts of explorations and practices, including trying on those L'Eggs pantyhose. The perverse thrill wore quickly off when I discovered that pantyhose are not comfortable and look utterly ridiculous on hairy legs. Even so, these plastic eggs bring me back to the time when I figured a lot of things out—like masturbation, who my focus was, and all the household items that could help.

So when you crack open the plastic shell, you find a translucent, rubbery egg with a large hole on the bottom. The elastomer is completely flexible. If you turn the egg inside out, you'll find one of six patterned textures designed to enhance the overall experience. Squirt in some water-based lube (after putting it back to right side out), and you're ready to go. I recommend rubbing the egg between your thumb and fingers first to get the inside completely lubed up. Then you stretch the hole over the head of your cock. Some guys are all about the head when masturbating, but I'm a full shaft stroker. So I stretched that egg all the way to the base. Wet and squishy. Delicious. And wow, your cock looks really strange and really cool—like a failed, cloudy aspic—bulging and pulsing through the translucent elastomer and striated or spotted with the texture. Is it weird to get off on how your cock looks in one of these things? Probably but I don't care.

The simple design of the eggs allows for multiple ways to masturbate. There's, of course, straightforward stroking, but you can also take better advantage of the textures by rotating the egg around the shaft or applying pressure to selected areas and hot spots. It would be hard for me to say which of the textures I preferred because I'm not sure how much they actually contributed to my good time. I've tried four of the patterns (spheres, semi-circles, horizontal ripples, and veritical ripples). While I had a great time using all of them, I think that if I had to choose, I prefer the ripples to the discrete shapes.

Once you come, the eggs do get a little messy (but good sex—even by yourself—should be). They are easy to clean with soap and water. Drop them into some boiling water to sterilize them again for reuse. That said, these masturbation sleeves are not designed to be used indefinitely. Depending on how vigorous your me time is with your eggs, they will stretch out and get kind of deformed after a couple of uses. Just like pantyhose, I bet. But what the hell... they're so cheap you can buy them by the dozen.

Eggs—what a great concept for men! Women have had eggs (of various kinds) for years, so it's about time that we have them, too. These little ovals made masturbating fun, and I came hard each time. I also found them to be perversely hetero: my sperm was penetrating eggs. Never thought that would happen. A little bizarre perhaps but hot. Like I said at the beginning, the Tenga eggs are weird, silly, and I want all of them in my basket...

It just occurred to me that having a Tenga egg fight with somebody would be totally and abjectly fun! Egg cream, anyone? But before I launch into meringue metaphors or become an over-hard walrus or just get too weird, I'll leave you with Edith Massey and her eggs...

There’s something very Japanese about the simplicity of the Tenga Egg. To put it in literary terms, if you think of the Flip Hole, Tenga’s hi-tech masturbation sleeve, as a meticulously designed epic novel on the scale of Ulysses or Gravity’s Rainbow, then the Egg is a haiku: small and simple, yet remarkably effective.

The Egg is exactly that: an egg-shaped piece of gel with a hole at the bottom for you to slip your cock in. The inside has contoured patterns to massage your cock to your heart’s content, and the folks at Tenga have thoughtfully included a small container of lube. Squeeze the lube into the hole, slip your cock inside, and you’re ready to go. In contrast to the Flip Hole, the Egg isn’t built to last. It’s intended to be disposable; one or two uses—maybe three if you’re very careful, but by the time I finished slamming into my Egg one fine morning, it was already a little distorted in shape. It’s not one of those toys that you settle down and raise a family with; it’s much more like the one-night stand that you take home on Friday night and then politely show to the door by 3AM Saturday. But that’s a feature of the Tenga Egg, not a bug; it’s supposed to be cheap, easy, and quick.

Admittedly, there is little that is sexy about an egg, and I certainly haven’t had many hot fantasies about fucking eggs, whether rubber or not. And when it’s stretched over your cock, the Tenga Egg looks a little weird—kind of like if you decided to dress your penis up as a ghost for Halloween and stretched a translucent white bedsheet over the head. But the strange visual aesthetic aside, the sensation is fantastic. I dug this out of the drawer on Christmas morning, not quite awake and feeling a little halfhearted about trying it out. I was feeling sluggish from not sleeping well, and weighed down as well by the misanthropy that Christmas tends to bring out in me. At least I could comfort myself with the thought that masturbating on Christmas morning might well be a venial sin, if not a mortal sin. (Sin, even after you’ve established yourself as a godless atheist for many years, never quite loses its erotic power.) Plus, it would certainly be more entertaining than whatever morning-show hostess was smiling down at me from the television screen right then.

My cock was apparently feeling as crotchety as the rest of me, as it took a while to get to the point where it was hard enough to penetrate the Egg, but once I got it in, a few strokes made me a lot harder and a lot more cheerful. And then I said farewell to the Egg, bundling it back into the plastic container it came in and heaving it toward a trash can. It’s a nice, simple toy, and one that I’d recommend to Santa the next time Christmas is coming around. The Tenga Egg is a lot more fun to stuff than stockings are.

There is really only one first reaction to the Tenga Egg: WTF!?!  What is it about the Japanese that has them sit around thinking up better ways to jerk off? Yeah, I know we do that too, but they actually make their ideas into products.

The packaging goes full bore on the egg theme: a little six pack of egg-shaped toys.  Once you remove the shell, you find a rubbery white blob not dissimilar to a hard-boiled egg except that one end is missing and where the yoke should be there is a packet of lube.  Put the lube in the middle; squish it around a bit; and you’re ready to go.

The egg is slightly translucent, more so when stretched, so that when you pull it all the way down your shaft, it looks, well, weird.  Still it’s not as weird looking as the Tenga Flip Hole. 

So how do you use it?  Here are a few options, I’m sure you can think of more.

• Over easy: put the egg over the head and gently rotate.
• Over medium: combing over with a more firm stroking motion.
• Deviled: use with a warming lube for a spicy finish.
• Scrambled: whisk vigorously until the desired creamy result is obtained.

Ok, enough egg yokes.

Bad egg puns aside, this is a fun toy. The only negative is its lack of durability.  Depending on your size and how much you stretch it during play, the egg will become deformed after a few uses.   They come in boxes of six and wile they are far cheaper than dinner and a movie, it could still get expensive to use them all the time.  If you want an everyday masturbation gizmo, you should buy the Tenga Flip.  If you want something less expensive to use occasionally, the eggs are a good bet.