CARNAL NATION

Extremely Complicated Instructions for Simple Stuff: How to Shave Your Genitals

A lot of people try this... once. Most, after a week of insane itching, rashes, and/or ingrown hairs, write it off as a youthful experiment and vow never to try it again. But a lot of our friends have developed routines that keep them bare and comfy. (By the way, several of our shaved men friends mention that their hairlessness makes their dicks look longer.) So here are a few tips we've gathered to help your shaving experience go, well, smoothly.

• Start by trimming the hair. Use a pair of sharp, smallish scissors, and trim as close to the skin as you can without nicking yourself.
• Soften the hair by soaking in a warm tub, or by applying a towel soaked in hot water to the pertinent parts, for about ten minutes.
• Apply copious amounts of good-quality shaving gel or foam. Look for the kind marked "for sensitive skin" (after all, this is about the most sensitive skin you've got). Using plain soap is asking for trouble.
• Choose a high-quality safety razor. Disposables don't have a good enough blade, although you can use them if you change them at least two or three times per shave. Straight-edge razors are for showoffs (and dangerous to boot). Many of our correspondents recommend the style of blade that has a fine wire wrapped around it to prevent nicking. Consider setting one razor or cartridge aside exclusively for us on your pubes, and keeping a separate one for your legs, pits, and/or face.
• Stretch the skin taut with one hand and shave with the other. If you're extremely prone to ingrown hairs, shave in the direction of the hair growth, but you won't get as smooth a shave that way. Shaving against the grain gives a much smoother shave.
• If you have to go over the same skin several times, apply more foam or gel as needed. Rinse the blade clean after every couple of strokes.

Rinse off and feel around to see if you've missed any areas. (Take your time and enjoy yourself.) On women, the area above the clitoris, where the outer labia come together, is often particularly tricky to get smooth... and particularly irritating when it's stubbly, so pay special attention to this neighborhood. If you want, you can very carefully use a tiny amount of depilatory cream on this area only—avoid contact with mucous membranes at all costs.

For post-shaving moisturizing, we encountered three schools of thought: one group prefers a moisturizer containing aloe vera, another likes vitamin E oil from the capsule, and a third likes witch hazel. The really butch ones go for 94 octane unleaded. We suggest you experiment to see which kind works best for you.

The first time you shave, it will itch as it grows back. The skin gets less irritable with practice, though. Most shavers seem to find that repeating every other day is the optimal schedule for staying smooth with minimal itching.

If you find red bumps in the shaved area a day or two later, they're probably ingrown hairs—hairs that have curled up under the skin instead of poking through it the way they're supposed to. Using a clean pair of good-quality tweezers (soak the tips in alcohol first), see if you can tease the hair loose and straighten it out. If the bump is red and irritated, use the tweezers to squeeze it gently. It will open up and the little hair will emerge; trim it with a pair of scissors or pluck it out, doing your best to get the root. To help minimize ingrown hairs, use a loofah or exfoliating sponge to scrub away dead skin cells, and keep the area moisturized.

If shaving still isn't leaving you smooth enough, there are a couple of options to consider. Bikini waxing by a professional isn't cheap and can be pretty painful, especially at first, but it leaves you beautifully smooth for a month or so. Epilady and similar mechanical hair removal devices don't work well on skin as soft as genital tissue. We know one or two really dedicated folks who tweeze their genitals, but we don't have the time or the fortitude and we bet you don't either.

And if you're really dedicated to smoothness, there's alway electrolysis (which costs a lot, hurts, and is almost always permanent) or laser hair removal (which costs a lot, doesn't hurt much, and has to be touched up occasionally).