CARNAL NATION

I had heard conflicting reports about the Aneros Prostate Massager, many of them were glowing reviews and a few were responses like “It did absolutely nothing for me.”  But with any toy review that I begin, I go into the situation with a completely open mind.

When I received the Aneros, the packaging was simple and easy to open. Often when you receive a toy, you need a spot welder or a crowbar just to get into the damn thing.  Now the Aneros is nothing impressive to look at.  In a simple white color, it is really quite small and almost looks a little scary and alien-like at first.  But once I began reading the in-depth directions, I realized that there might be more to this toy than meets the eye.

When beginning to play with the Aneros, it is important that you adhere to the directions, which are very specific for its use.  You lie on your side, like you are giving yourself an enema, apply proper lubricant to your asshole and the toy, and then insert it in that position with your top knee brought to your chest.  The directions clearly state that once it's inserted, you should RELAX and keep the Aneros inside of you for 10 minutes before attempting to use Kegel exercises to activate it.

While I was relaxing, I noticed very quickly how our bodies involuntarily use our kegel muscles… I coughed for instance and felt a large thrust like I was getting fucked.  There is also a piece to the Aneros that pushes against your taint, which felt incredible.  I was instantly hard.  Once the ten minutes were up, I began flexing and doing Kegels and seriously boys and girls, this little toy feels like something much larger and more real than it actually physically is.  I decided to add one of my jack-off sleeves to the mix. As I jacked off and my kegels activated on their own, it felt like I was having the best sex I've had in a year.  I know that may seem like a little bit of an exaggeration, but it “pushed all the right buttons” for me.

A week later, when visiting my new 25-year-old boyfriend in the city, I decided to bring the Aneros along. My boyfriend, who is typically a bottom, has suddenly become versatile with me.  So we alternated fucking each other while the Aneros was inside of us.  I came so fast and so intensely! I would definitely say that this toy is just as much fun with a partner as it is alone.  So for you straight and bi boys, this is a perfect starter toy for you to explore p-spot play.  And it will not disappoint.  And for you ladies that are curious about getting into a little anal play with your boys, this is the perfect gift for your man.  It is not intimidating at only 4" long x 3/4" wide and won’t make him feel uncomfortable. He WILL like it. 

At only $64, this is one of the best values of p-spot stimulation toys that I have received to date. So get out there and get your new Aneros. 

A friend of mine constantly expresses her amazement at what gay men will stick up their butts. I usually just shrug and remind her that nature abhors a vacuum.

That said, there are many (but probably not enough) things made specifically for anal insertion, and some (but probably too many) things that could be inserted. Of course, it should go without saying that there are a great many things that should never, ever, ever cross that threshold, but even emergency room doctors need something to laugh about during happy hour. Regardless of what you choose to stick up there (sanctioned or not; stupid or not), it takes work and practice and finesse.

Enter Aneros—literally and figuratively. To the dismay, I suppose, of overworked and humor-deprived ER docs everywhere, this little device was specifically designed for anal insertion and prostate play. Furthermore, it was created (apparently by some kill-joy medical professionals) to enhance the overall anal experience with a sphincter workout. Another over-generalized, stereotypical truism about gay men is that they worship muscle—their own and other men's. So why not work those inner muscles just as much as (if not more than) the visible ones? You can use your gym-toned glutes to hook 'em and your Aneros-honed sphincters to keep 'em.

The directions are quite clear on how to get the most out of your workout. With your finger thrust through the convenient handle, gently insert the bulbous, finger-shaped protrusion into your ass and then don't do anything. Simply relax. This is easier said than done because anything entering the backdoor usually inspires a great desire to get busy. But remember that this tool is all about building control. After the recommended 10 minutes, you should begin your Kegel reps, contracting and releasing those muscles you never get to see but love to feel.

My favorite part of any workout is seeing results. At the gym, who doesn't love to see their pecs pop or feel the burn as you exchange one six pack for another? With the Aneros, the visible and the tactile are at a whole different level of fascination. Each contraction brought the inserted plastic right down on my prostate, like one of those hammers doctors use to check your knee reflexes. While the knee jerk is always entertaining to watch, it's nothing compared to watching your semi-turgid cock stand and salute. Get those contractions going fast enough, and your bobbing cock starts to resemble a hydraulic lift. With a little more effort (I like to push myself), I could get my cock to swing from its position looming ominously over my balls to slapping my stomach. Slowly—ever so slowly—releasing the contraction, I could control my dick's arc back to resting position. This is, indeed, an exercise in control, self control as much as muscle control. It was exquisitely painful to keep from just jerking off then and there after only a few contract-stomach slap-release repetitions. Cheating doesn't get you results either at the gym or with the Aneros shoved up your ass. I worked out until near exhaustion. Besides, the fascination of watching the reflex was enough to win me over. I felt like a little boy again: "Do it again! Do it again!"

In addition to all this internal activity, the folks at Aneros have also added a little phalange with a bulbous end that extends forward to rub up against the perineum. It's meant to stimulate the area underneath the balls with each contraction. I have to admit that this little doohickey did absolutely nothing for me. It became trapped beneath my balls (I hang low), so there wasn't much room for it to move around and generally stimulate. I'd suggest for future iterations that the extension be designed to hit (or preferably, rub or glide over) a broader territory. Alternatively, prongs or tines that hit multiple spots might also work, but as is, this feature didn't work for me.

On rare occasions, I actually manage to have sex with real, live people. A workout buddy had arranged a little threesome, so I brought along the Aneros. I'm sorry to report that despite their fascination as I demonstrated, none of us could really maintain that level of restraint/self-control. Then again, that's not really what team sports are about. Instead we tried doing a little endurance training. How long could you keep it inserted while fucking someone else? This proved harder than you might think. There's a lot to concentrate on and a lot to keep flexed in that situation. For all three of us, the damn thing fell out and clattered to the floor during vigorous thrusting. At least it wasn't made of stainless steel—the downstairs neighbors were irritated enough as it was. We resolved to work on this in the future. After all, every workout program requires goals to work toward.

So let's talk assholes.

Asshole anatomy's pretty basic, right? You've got the sphincter muscle, which is supposed to be a gatekeeper. If it's good at keeping things in, it can be a little too good at keeping things out, unless it's trained. Beyond that you have an upward-and-inward curving tube, which bumps into the prostate on its way up to the colon. You have nerve endings that encourage shitting and, some researchers have found, anal stimulation, especially when conditioned.

It turns out: prostates should get massaged. Incidentally, prostate massage feels sweet and hot and warm and fuzzy. Aneros's prostate massage contraption definitely does the job. Besides, I wanted to see if I could widen myself a little for kinky girlfriends and make sure I got a reasonable amount of prostate stimulation, as a proactive preventionist.

Now, I'd read complaints that the Aneros plastic--which I find pleasantly heavy and smooth--is "too hard," and the device isn't big enough to make someone feel comfortably full. Disclosure about the reviewer, then: I'm a cranky straight guy and really barely even kinky anymore, so I don't have a standard of fullness. And I can get tired of things in my ass pretty fast. But I'll tell you this for free: traveling across town with the Aneros inserted, you don't really feel it in a pressing way, even sitting down on an uncharitable plastic bus seat. The massager's designed for you to be able to rock back and forth on it, so points to the engineers for building in functionality that requires intentionality. Take a long enough walk, though, and the segmented tail on your perineum might start to irritate. But sitting nearly still (as recommended), that tail gives a nice little massage just below the balls.

As to the hardness issue, well, yes, but I argue it's worth it. I've taken soft dildos of similar girth, and they got in fast because they gave ground to the sphincter, but then weren't worth much for me once they arrived fully into the station. Getting the tongue-like Aneros in past the sphincter can seem a chore at first, to be sure, even with mandatory lube.

Inserting it alone if you haven't penetrated yourself in a while can be mildly infuriating. Most any time I want to play by myself, I need to summon 45 minutes of Buddhist calm and focus (and some spanking porn) before I can get it in. I envy "more open" guys during these sessions. The Aneros came recommended to help improve my anal game. It's definitely a toy that'll make a pro out of you if you're willing to work toward excellence or, at least, the next level.

That said, the Excellence: assuming the position with a partner's fingers on the helpfully twirled 'earbuds,' moving the device up and down, not necessarily in and out, made me want to curl up and enjoy my own ride. The Aneros people know assholes, and for that, they get four out of five stars from the cranky straight guy who has a newly reinvigorated back door.