CARNAL NATION

“Hi! Let me start out by saying that I am an amatuer [sic] at this. I am currently enrolled in college and me and my roomates [sic] are trying to earn a little extra money to pay for our studies... The panties that I am selling me and my coeds will be wearing and sharing this way they are extra juicy. The panties will not be worn any less than 24 hours. We will be wearing them to all of our classes all day this way I am sure they get hot and steamy... Buy my used panties right here.”

These are desperate times. And while these “coeds” have little grasp of grammar and clearly can’t spell, they and their sisters in commerce have figured out enough HTML to construct panty-selling websites, so I suppose we can be proud of our American educational system after all.

This is truly a shopaholic's dream job: wear it once and sell it the next day!

Of course, if you’re a cash-strapped coed, or a potentially soon-to-be-displaced sexologist housewife like me, there are precious few jobs out there. But there may be many more entrepreneurial opportunities than we’ve been led to believe. For example, a Craigslist ad, recently posted by The Pacific Fertility Center in San Francisco, features a wholesome young white woman, lying in a green meadow with her laptop, the blue sky of promise beckoning overhead. “Make a difference today... donate your eggs.” At $7,000 plus expenses for the first “donation cycle” and $7,500 for each repeat sale, if I were younger, I just might consider it. I’ve got some bills to pay.

However, egg donation (sale!) involves six weeks to three months of commitment, detailed screening, psychological testing (is it really "normal" to want to do this?), blood tests, pelvic ultrasounds, fertility drugs, birth control pills to synchronize cycles with the “aspiring mother,” and finally, egg retrieval through the vagina. You get paid after the retrieval, and the clinic calls you the next day to see how you’re doing. Nice.

So, if egg donation were a full-time job for three months, this works out to be about $14.58 per hour. But remember, you’re on the birth control and fertility drugs 24/7, for however long it takes. The emotional reward of helping infertile couples, one would hope, adds to the pay off.

The women who sell their used panties online experience emotional rewards, too. Whether they may or may not be actually turned on by the prospect of sharing bodily fluids and personal lingerie with distant customers is beside the point. They are performing a valuable public and commercial service, sparing their customers embarrassment or worse.

For example, in 2005, a hapless young man in Japan was arrested as he pursued three schoolgirls in a company vehicle, begging to buy the clothes off their tushes. The man told prosecutors, "I had no idea what I was doing was a crime. They were wearing really short skirts and I got all excited. I didn't want new panties, I wanted used ones." He was the first person charged with violating an expanded Kanagawa Prefectural Government ordinance aimed at preventing the sale of underwear worn by minors.

I am sure my readers will be happy to know that a self-regulating industry group known as the “Panty Trust” expects “all members to be a cut above the typical lingerie seller... Members agree not to promote, insinuate, or suggest activities or situations that could be considered illegal or unethical.” This includes “age play or mention of anything related to minors or persons under the age of 18” and “insinuating bestiality.” The Panty Trust also includes a two-tiered mediation service for disputes between buyers and sellers, and warns members of occasional phishing scams. Panty Trust members, who have endured the rigorous verification process, proudly display evidence of their membership on their websites. Buyers can feel secure, and the sellers who consistently meet or exceed industry standards may even be recognized with Golden Panty Seller or Lifetime Achievement awards.

“...don't be shy!  Nothing shocks me. Whether you desire your panties or pantyhose- golden goddess juice, skid mark, masturbated, worn longer, - whatever- Just let me know.”

And just what are the industry standards? A entrepreneurial female contemplating a career in used panties would do well to visit the Panty Hog website at http://www.usedpantyportal.com/ and check out a plethora of useful advice in the Panty Hog University section. For example, knowledge of basic HTML is a must, because women who rip off other women’s sites—content and graphics—are despised (and the search engine‘ll get ya if ya don’t watch out!). You’ll also find Google hints and articles on transparent watermarks for photos, “panty payment options,” and many other invaluable insights offered up by panty veterans.