My dad's best friend died last week. Heart attack. He was 60, barely older than my dad, not old enough for his heart to give way. They've been friends for 35 years, longer than I've been alive. I got a heartbreaking email from my father about how they met, where they'd traveled together, and his favorite joke (What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything).
In his eulogy, his son wrote that he was "a devoted family man, one who extended the term to cover a great many individuals, supporting and caring for those who needed him."
And I thought, that's radical masculinity.
Traditional, limitational masculinity says "Don't talk about your feelings." That masculinity says "Be strong all the time." It says "A 'real' man is tough, and "The worst thing you can be is a sissy, a pussy, a girl, feminine, weak." Radical masculinity says: I am listening. Who do you want to be?How does one learn how to be that? How do you grow up into a masculinity, a maleness, an adult manhood, despite this culture's obsession with bad boys and lunkheads, to be a caring protective provider, to make effective, positive changes in this world, to build something that will last, to be generous with your heart and mind and love and time?
Traditional, limitational masculinity says don't talk about your feelings. That masculinity says be strong all the time. It says a "real" man is tough, and the worst thing you can be is a sissy, a pussy, a girl, feminine, weak.
Radical masculinity says: I am listening. Who do you want to be?
There is no shortage of research and writings on the pain of being socialized into a gender role in western cultures. In this GI Joe society, where the most common toys for little boys are guns and tanks and trucks, where the constant credo of "big boys don't cry!" echoes in all of our ears, despite our sex, despite our progressive parents, we cut our teeth on the masculinity that confines and withholds and withdraws basic human emotional experiences, denying they even exist, ruling that anything not invulnerable and impenetrable is weak, girly, or inappropriate for a "real man."
I know these men. I grew up with these men as role models. I saw the painful results of this stoicism. I knew I didn't want to be a part of that, but I didn't know if I had another choice.
There are some real, beneficial functions for this mode of masculinity: to provide for a family, to keep those one loves safe from harm, to be the structure around which others can build and formulate and grow and change, to be part of a historic lineage, to fit in, to be commended for one's strength. But this kind of masculinity is too rigid to allow for the kind of growth needed in this fast-paced, information society where anyone can become anything, where we have more access to systems of power like government, education, and technology, than ever before. This outdated masculinity holds us back. This masculinity is keeping a fist-tight grip on the past, on some sort of idealized, unobtainable version of "man" which is more of a figment of our collective subconscious than a nostalgia for how society used to be.
And now, forty years after the second wave of feminism blazed new freeways for women's rights, masculinity needs to turn itself inside out in order to bring us as a collective whole to our next stage of human well-being.
This same tool that has blazed the way for women can be used for men and masculinity, too—feminism is a powerful gateway to gender theory, to breaking down the expectations placed on people because of their gender.
But as I attempt to bridge this gap between masculinity studies and feminism more and more, I've run into some men who have resistance. What about the ways feminism rejects men and men's experiences? What about the ways feminism polices gender, going so far as to claim that "gender causes oppression," so therefore we should reject all gender always?
But me, I like gender. I think it feels good to get dolled up and use my physical presentation as a way to communicate with lovers and friends and communities and society. I like the way my masculinity does not necessarily line up with my breasts or my female pronouns, asking those who interact with me to challenge their preconceived notion of what it is to be a woman.
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Masculinity
Hi Sinclair - this was a fascinating and brilliantly-written article.
I certainly never viewed masculinity as being about being a 'lughead' or 'bad boy.' I've come from a fairly old-fashioned, conservative upbringing and I've definitely - always - been under the impression that the truest and surest test of masculinity was being a dependable, caring provider and family man. One of the things I was taught to admire most about my own father was the fact that he went 9-5 to the office for 30 years to provide for his family - and took the time to teach us suitably 'manly' things in rest of the time - which extended from shooting and riding (cliched masculine pursuits) to history, classical music and art (definitely not.)
I mean, maybe my experience of masculinity is different - I'm British and from a fairly privileged background - but I think it's harder to define especially when you look beyond just North American views of it.
I was fascinated to read what you wrote about men's reaction to feminism, though - and I think you're spot on with your appraisal. Right at this moment I'm going through a deep frustration with some aspects of feminist dogma and I'm interested to consider that maybe my 'rage' is somewhat misplaced. Men, in general, do have a deep insecurity and one of the challenging this about feminism is it's easy to think that elevating the rights and power of women somehow diminishes the rights and power of man. I'm now wondering if this is why it's so threatening to men (including, to a certain extent, myself.)
Then again, sometimes I go to a website like Feministing and read articles that just make me think: "This writer doesn't understand men AT ALL." It's SO easy to make generalizations about gender - on both sides.
Brilliant, brilliant article. Thanks for sharing it with us.
Radical Masculinity?
There's nothing radical about being simply who I am as a man. Yes, I do enjoy feeling masculine, but better still, feeling whole and complete. Too many hetero men find wholeness only in coupling with a woman who can embrace and hold the man's feelings for him. That's not wholeness in my experience. Too many men try desperately to fit the mold of the "all american male" which is pure bull shit and everyone suffers for it. When a man finally enters into midlife, he begins to reassess his beliefs and his own sexuality, if he has the courage to do so and not go into denial or rage or bitterness.
What does it mean to be masculine? It means being one's self, being able to adapt to circumstances, having the skills to tap into both the yin and the yang and enjoying the ride. It is an essential to be nurturing, having the balls to be emotionally available and literate, to be protective without being enmeshing or domineering, to simply be a well balanced human being. Cultural stereotypes of what it means to be masculine are self-destructive as many, if not most, boys know in relating to their fathers. Being masculine to me means being grounded and balanced, as being feminine means being balanced and grounded. No difference whatsoever...outside of genitalia.
The man who is overly macho is denying his own vulnerability and trying to hide it, and becomes "stupid". The woman who decides to prove herself through aggression just becomes being a 'bitch". Both etxremes are not healthy for anyone. So, a man can be masculine....strong, intelligent, thrusting forward, and a woman can also be strong, intelligent, thrusting forward. Each exhibits the masculine and feminine differently based on our personalities and being authentic to who we are, always willing and able to change for the better....more loving, more caring, more tender. Those, to me, are very strong qualities.
The fear of homophobia and the sexism of heterosexism have a devastating hold on this society. We are all suffering for it. And, both men and women have the responsibility to break that cycle.
Nothing doing nothing
Well he might also have said "make me one with nothing on it" and the vendor might have said Nothing Doing!!!
or maybe he said well said!!
Really excellent Sinclair, a
Really excellent Sinclair, a beautifully thoughtful exploration of identities and the relationships that shape them. A real pleasure to read.
Blokey-blokey
Great article! I've been thinking a lot about this kind of stuff myself lately - especially since I had to spend time with my father in rural Ireland and realised I had little or nothing to add to any conversation about the 'normal' male stuff out there (football, cars, machinery of all kinds, building, farming, fishing, etc, etc.) - not so much a problem with the aul fella, but certainly the other country alpha-male types treat me as if I was some kind of girly-man, or just an idiot. Meanwhile, I, as a city boy through and through, regard them as backward, ignorant, etc. so I guess it balances out ... I also noticed a kind of desperate need to seem authoritative about almost everything, talking down to the womenfolk (and me!), as if this was the only way to preserve the essence of manhood, which generally manifests itself as utter bullshit and faux knowledge culled from some bloke in the pub presented as Absolute Truth and Ultimate Wisdom, impervious to argument and uncontradictable.
Gawd, I even catch myself doing that sometimes, too (rather more often than I would like). I wonder, is that borne out of insecurity or is it just a standard male trait, something to do with the male brain being more trivia- and information-oriented? Or is that also mere bullshit?
From there to the paranoid theory: I've come to think of the whole male stereotype as the other side of the enslavement of humankind by self-interested elites. Women became the weaker sex, even property, whose opinions and thoughts were worthless, while men were given free reign to dominate them. This seems like a pretty good deal for men at first, but it's really just a mechanism of self-policing and maintaining the status quo - from which only a very few people profit. Men are told they have total authority in the home, by religious types and others, which means we're all top dog in a way, so we're content not to pursue anything more (like genuine equality, social justice, blahdeblah, from which a Utopian future might spring in which nettles might taste like strawberries and rain is chocolate milk). Feminism fucked that up - in a good way - and now it's like men are scrabbling to catch up, or figure out what the fuck just happened.
Sigh. I'm sure it won't be long before the Illuminati and the NWO give us new boxes to inhabit. Eek! Did I just say that? Er, I mean, all hail the Lizard Overlords! (Phew!)
I've talked about this very
I've talked about this very thing to some friends before. I always said I would hate to be a guy, because they have to live with the narrow definition of what 'a real man' is. Thank you for saying it all far more eloquently.
Thanks
Thanks, virginiaplain. You women have it easy! lol Seriously, though, most men recognize the fluidity of their sexuality, but just can't admit it to another man, let alone a woman. I find men coming to me because they say they feel "safe" with me. Women too are trained to accept the given order of things and, hence, they pass it onto their sons. Somehow this cycle of shame, guilt, and rigidity has to end. That's why too, I believe, it's important for women and men to bond in changing the system in this country.
I couldn't agree with you
I couldn't agree with you more, Ken and thank you for your reply! I certainly meant that these definitions of gender are too rigid - and from what I've seen and experienced in my own life, considerably worse for men. I've seen both male and female suffer simply because their indvidual identities don't match what's in the rulebook.
Male Conformity and Freedom
Ah, yes, Virginia. If we could only simply be authentic to who we are, become self-aware about the pressure to conform, and be courageous enough to follow the "beat of the drum" we hear that is true to ourselves. Straight guys conform every day, and because of their need to 'fit in', they sacrifice their talents and often their selves. Gay men often do that same stupid thing for the same reasons...to "fit in". Bisexual men have their own baggage for they most often are not accepted by straight or gay men!
We all seek acceptance and sometimes go overboard in seeking validation and acceptance. Validation can only come from within, but affirmation is our need to be accepted and actually loved for who we are. Such a struggle it can be when we are told over and over again what the standards are for such acceptance.
Anyway, I won't belabor this. It's an ever present issue.
on being--a person
I don't think of myself as a male or a female though I look, dress and act in many ways like a man, I do what I want, I generally conform to male dress but see no justification to be concerned with which way my shirts button or if they fit well and are in some cases intended for women so what. I have small breasts and wish they were a B size--why?? if piercing and tat's are ok, why not tits? They are another source of sexual stimulation as many gals and guys know, I feel I'm 'accessorized"
I can cook, clean my home and even sew a curtain if necessary AND I build and race vintage roadracers along with other specifically male activities!
So what's the specific thing that would define me as male-- a penis? yes I have a nice one thank you but so do lots of what seem to be women. Let's get over the labels and become who we are.
Insightful post
Wonderful post, incisive, beautifully written. I'm 66, was in my thirties during the big rise of feminism. I agree with you that this is a revolution for all of us. If women want to break through gender biases and boundaries, then we absolutely must support the men who are doing the same.
Joan Price
Author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty
Join us -- we're talking about ageless sexuality at
http://www.betterthanieverexpected.blogspot.com
I love that you're writing
I love that you're writing this, Sinclair, but I keep coming up against the same thing. Nothing you (or anyone else here) has presented as examples of "good masculinity" seem in anyway divorced from what I would expect in "good person". There are none there I wouldn't expect from a "good femininity" as well.
It's a dilemma to me, because it makes the whole notion of "masculinity" and "femininity" somewhat vaporous in my eyes. it seems there should be something there, but every time I try to pin it down, it slips away. You talked in the first article of "swagger". Why should swagger be masculine?
Please do keep writing, I am finding this exploration fascinating.