CARNAL NATION

“You're going to have to beat boys off with a stick when she's older." The speaker, an older woman, smiled affectionately at my daughter and brushed a hand over her dark wispy hair.

I smile outwardly and cringe inwardly.

How do you know she'll be attracted to boys?

What if she turns out to be transgendered?

Why are you forcing her into a gendered role already?

Why are you focusing on her looks? She's smart, too!

I know from many women's studies classes and a lifetime of feminism that gender stereotyping and indoctrination begin at a young age. I don't know how to explain to a woman who thinks she's complimenting my daughter that I wish she wouldn't assume that my daughter will be a hetero girly-girl fifteen or twenty years from now.

We know that sex and gender are two very different and distinct things. Sex is biological and gender is a social construct. Both exist on a spectrum and are not binaries. As a parent who wants to raise her child in a sex positive household, and who wants to be very clear that there is no shame or fear in growing up to be who you are, gender creates landmines in the way that sexual identity on the gay/straight or vanilla/kinky spectrum does not.

For us, raising the Little Mistress to feel comfortable with people of all sexual identities seems natural. We are careful to use both pronouns or eschew pronouns in favor of "whomever you choose to love." We make a point of creating photo ops that are gender-neutral so that should she identify as male one day, he will not be left with fewer than five baby pictures, as a friend currently is. We stock her bookcase with books that show gay families along with single-parent families, adoptive families; a virtual cornucopia of families. We have friends who identify as gay, straight, bisexual, and transgendered. Having them and their partners as a welcome and normal part of our life will, we believe, create an environment where the LM can grow up feeling comfortable questioning and learning about her own sexual identity.

Gender, on the other hand is full of landmines. Everything from hair length to clothing to toys to bedding can be over-thought.

It seems clear that gender presents more of a cosmetic problem for boys. When I went through a phase where I only wanted to wear jeans and t-shirts, I was called a "tomboy" and tolerated with slight eye rolls. Compare that with the stories of Bradley and Jonah, two five-year-old boys diagnosed with gender identity disorder in a 2008 NPR story. The two families have taken radically different approaches to raising sons who identify as female rather than male; one family has accepted their child for who she is and allow her to dress and present herself to the world as a girl, and the other has banned all things feminine from the child's life and are forcing him to learn to walk through life in the way that they feel is appropriate. Just in time for Halloween, a question was posed to the readers of Motherlode, the New York Times parenting blog, asking what to do with a five-year-old son who wants to wear a tutu for Halloween. I just don't see the same sort of worry over a girl who wants to be Batman rather than Cinderella or who plays with cars instead of baby dolls—in fact ,many moms who question the value of the Disney Princess franchise (or the whole princess mentality in general) would prefer that their daughters dress as Batman!

Recently during an Early Intervention session (my daughter has a medical issue, which qualifies her to receive developmental assistance and support until age three from a state agency—the program is called "Early Intervention") our support person took out a doll and a pretend baby bottle. She modeled "feeding the baby" for the Little Mistress before handing over the bottle and encouraging her to repeat the actions. I made a point of asking if the nurse did this with her male patients. She reassured me that she does. She also noted, however, that many parents of young boys, both mothers and fathers, were not comfortable with the activity and that she often had to explain in depth about the importance of play with a doll for children of both sexes (for those interested, it has to do with the beginning of imaginative play around a year of age, which is where we are).