A Couple Quits Therapy; What Is “Normal” Desire?
A couple I’d seen in sex therapy for a month quit last night. I can’t say I blame them. And I admit I was a bit relieved.
They’re in their late forties, attractive and youngish. Here’s what I learned about them in four sessions:
* She doesn’t like the way he touches her
* He feels criticized by her every single day
* She almost never has orgasms
* He feels pressured to get erections quickly, and to make her climax from intercourse
* She doesn’t believe he finds her attractive, although he insists he does
* He feels he must never express anger toward her, because she then gives him the silent treatment for days
* She is angry about how he treated her while she was nursing their baby girl (who is now 16)
* He feels powerless to shape her parenting behavior toward their daughter, which he characterizes as rigid and controlling
The couple’s problem that brought them to therapy? They don’t have sex much anymore, and don’t feel much passion toward each other.
Well, duh.
They dropped out of therapy because we weren’t making much progress on the problem they wanted fixed. Worse (according to them), I didn’t seem that interested in talking about sex—I seemed overly focused on feelings, power dynamics, letting go of the past, and communication.
Yes, of course. Absolutely.
But they wanted to talk about sex, and wanted me to repair their “low desire” for each other. I told them that low desire with someone you don’t like or trust isn’t pathological, isn’t a problem to fix. Instead, I said, we needed to address the toxic environment in which they thought they should be wanting sex.
No, they dismissed my point of view (for which they were paying good money) and demanded I help them with their sex problem—the same way they dismiss each other while demanding what they want.
I was friendly, gentle, patient (mostly). But I either couldn’t or wouldn’t give them what they wanted (they weren’t sure, they said), so they left.
I have no idea what kind of sex they imagine they would have if they somehow desired each other—while disliking, mistrusting, and resenting each other. Whatever kind of sex that is, I don’t want to help people have it. 
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Comments
be firm
Are these people completely aware that if they can't make it through 8-20 sessions of emotionally-focused therapy, they won't gain the maximum benefit from it? And if they can't make it through EFT, the way the limbic system is wired will simply not allow them to feel anything approaching romance or lust. I know it's rough, but that's part of the deal for the therapist. If you can handle the short-term discomfort, the long term will be so much better for everyone, including the kid. Try a referral to someone who's had a lot of success with difficult couples (and emphasize it) to reset their expectations.
They need a different direction
I have to assume this couple heard you, and if you were clear about where the problem was (you may not have been), they heard that and didn't want to deal with it. Each of them is unwilling to change -- but they both want to stay together, and they want better sex. They seem to believe there is a way to get what they want while remaining emotionally dysfunctional.
Maybe there is. Swinging is one possibility, BDSM is another, and though mentors in both those lifestyles would discourage such explorations as a way of fixing a relationship, in this case it wouldn't be a fix so much as an adjustment. Yes, the exploration might lead to a complete disruption, but that may be where they secretly or unconsciously want to go anyway. One thing is clear -- they aren't happy with the status quo. In that sense, a new exploration may be the only way out of the present miasma.
In other words, maybe you aren't being broadminded enough.
divorce
This may be an unethical thing for a psychologist to believe or say, but it seems clear to me that relationships are organic entities and this one is dead. As a doornail. And has been for some time. These people should untangle their lives and seek happiness elsewhere. It's kind of strange that psychologists are always expected to help people find a way to make things work, when some things just cannot work at a certain point. It's as if medical doctors were prohibited from declaring a patient dead, and had to keep recommending treatments not matter what... A gruesome image, but no more gruesome than the hellish life these people are sharing now.
Why not give them what they wanted
While you are right, of course, that the problem with their sex life lies the relationship it seems to me you truly failed them. Why not (a) give them what they thought they needed and (b) work on the relationship from there.
There are any number of ways of sparking interest in a relationship and once sparked perhaps you would find them to be more open to talking about respect and communication. Sticking to your principles in the face of what the customer wanted may be admirable to some but I find that it is a lack of imaginative problem solving. I think you abandoned them as much as they left you.