CARNAL NATION

I LOVE dirty talk! Unlocking your tongue is a wonderful way to get your brain more engaged in your sex play—and as they say, the brain is the largest sex organ. The best part is that it keeps me present, and it keeps me and my lover engaged deeply with what we're doing. I don't worry that she's off in her own world thinking about something else—we are both fully in the moment, feeling each other, interacting in mind and body.

I've found that for most people, it's a bit difficult to articulate desire and dirty talk. It continues to be a challenge to figure out what turns you on and then to articulate it to someone else (then to repeat as necessary).

The trick to unlocking it is a slight loss of your inhibitions. What if you say something silly (like the time I said “c'mon baby, don't you like my sock? ... uh, I mean, cock ....”)? Yeah, that happens. But that doesn't matter—sometimes your brain isn't all there in sex play. It's easy to get wrapped up in the sensation, and your tongue might not work as well as you'd like. This is a compliment to your lover! Laugh about it and keep going. It's okay if it's not perfect.

It also might be intimidating to say something that perhaps your lover doesn't like. It's pretty likely that your desires overlap, quite a lot, probably 75-90%, since you're in this relationship to begin with. If something you say isn't exactly perfect, it is up to the two of you to have a little de-briefing about that later, using gentle respectful language and talking through it. Don't let it hinder you in the moment!

If you really get tongue-tied, consider things that loosen you up: have a drink, smoke a joint. Go through hours of foreplay. Go out to dinner without underwear or in your sexiest lingerie. Ask yourself what gets you going, what gets you comfortable and able to talk freely about your desires, and then do it.

Some more random tips that you could try:

• Watch porn (which, unfortunately, you might have to search for in order to find porn with good dirty talk) and note which phrases you like, and what you could reproduce.
• Get on the Internet and chat, exchanging fantasies or descriptions of sex play. Putting it in words is good practice. The Internet provides an extra layer of protection so it's not as scary, but it can still help you practice expressing the sexy things that come into your mind.
• Alternatively, if you're so inclined, write out some sexy scenarios in your journal, or write some smutty love letters to your lover. Practice, practice, practice.
• Try phone sex! Call him at the office when he can't really answer you and get off on the phone, telling him what you're doing and what you're thinking about him doing to you.
• Watch Talk To Me Baby by S.I.R. Video for more tips from Shar Rednour about talking dirty and role play.
• Get comfortable with the language you need to use in order to talk dirty! How easy is it for you to say those things? How easy is it for you to use dirty language in describing your desires? Practice! Practice by sharing your fantasies with your lover, by telling him what he does that you like.
• You might be able to play with your shyness when it comes to dirty talk, if you want to go there. “I can't talk like that, good girls don't talk like that, that's dirty ...” If you're into that kind of thing.
• One way I've found to get my lovers to talk dirtier is to ask questions, then tell them to say it. “Do you like my cock in you like that?” “Yes ...” (usually an easy enough answer to get.) “Say it.” “I like your cock in me.” “In you where?” “In my pussy.” “Say it all.” “I like your cock in my pussy.” “Say it again.” “I like your cock in my pussy.” You get the idea.
• Dirty talk falls into two general categories: Describing what you're doing right then, and describing a scenario you are co-creating through dialogue. For the first, a running commentary, you'll just need to get a bit creative about your language, and focus on what is happening and how it feels.  Your big hard cock feels so good, my pussy is so wet for you, oh yeah fuck me with your fingers deep, harder, you feel so good, etc. That takes practice, but if you let your mind go, you'll start connecting what your brain is experiencing with the expression of it. Secondly, co-creating a fantasy together can be really fun. It takes a bit of boldness, though. Sit in his lap some night and say something like, “You know what I think about sometimes? Being in a club with you, in a really short dress ... rubbing up against you and getting you all hard ... teasing you on the dance floor, bending over so you can see I'm not wearing anything underneath ... would you like that?” Intersperse this with kisses, your hand on him, dragging your hair on his neck, physical touches. Let your mind wander as you touch him, and he touches you. Perhaps he'll contribute to this scenario too, telling you what he would do if you were doing what you're saying. You could be physically doing completely different things, but the mental exercise will turn you both on.
• Masturbate, and practice talking aloud. Alone, where no one can hear you. Consider it your homework from Mr. Sexsmith, and try it at least three times this week. Let your mind go, let your tongue go, and see what comes out. You might even surprise yourself.