CARNAL NATION

This month's column is by B.A. Carrington, who describes herself as a "progressive, martini-swilling, skeet-shooting lady." She's been investigating the religious right from the inside for ten years.

I silently rode down the hotel elevator. I was alone with Dr. James Dobson.

I was attending the annual Values Voters Summit in Washington, D.C., which is sponsored by Tony Perkins's Family Research Council, a "subsidiary" of James Dobson's Focus on the Family. We were headed to a "Faith & Freedom" Gala. However, I've never been able to mentally fuse freedom with religious "faith" unless it means freedom from thinking.

James Dobson, Founder of Focus on the Family

Dobson was tall. He wore silver-rimmed glasses and had a crop of silvery reddish hair. He looked into my eyes and his skin around the lids crinkled when he smiled to say hello.

Alone in the elevator I couldn't help but like him. His energy seemed good. And I had listened to him speak earlier. He was a smart man. Believe me, I didn't want to like him. I wanted to consider him a pompous ass…but I couldn't.

"You look beautiful," he said.

"Thank you," I replied.

"And how are you this evening?"

I wanted to tell him how I really felt: that spending a weekend amongst all these sappy soapbox gloom and doom Christians who hated anything I liked was making me want to convert to "martini-ism." I also wanted to tell him he was riding alone in an elevator with a lesbian stripper, just to see the look on his face. I'm not really a lesbian stripper. Or at least I didn't think I was until Senator Tom Coburn's Chief of Staff, Michael Schwartz, informed me that if I liked "porn" and I undressed, I was turning my sexual drive inward and therefore, gay.

I wanted to ask Dobson if he really bought that kind of crap. Would Dobson be available for a genuine "sit down" and heart-to-heart discussion about the real reason behind the Values Voters Summit?

"I'm well, and you?" Was my chicken-shit back at'cha response.

"I'm looking forward to this Gala. It should be a great time. I think we are accomplishing a lot, don't you?" He asked.

I sighed. "I suppose."

"You don't seem convinced," he said.

I wasn't in the mood for niceties. The strongest drink being served at this party would be sparkling apple juice. How fun could it be?

At that moment the elevator stopped to gather up a herd of Dobson fans. They were giddy to have the opportunity to ride in the same elevator with the George Clooney of the Religious Far Right.

When I could escape, he smiled and winked in my direction as if sorry we were unable to complete our conversation.

I have been undercover investigating James Dobson and his group for more than 10 years. I have put together a "family tree" with enough branches to overshadow the springtime D.C. cherry blossoms. I have followed a money trail and financial "family" portfolio that would make both Goldman Sachs and the Sopranos envious.

What I've learned during the course of my field observations and research is that the evangelicals (mostly white male) comprised of this "family" are more like Pharisees than Christians, who remind me of a group of self-righteous snobs hell-bent on throwing the state of our Union into a state of hyperbolic oppression and ignorant chaos.

The Values Voters Summit is stocked with wannabe Christian Mad Men silently plotting for a piece of the top brass. It's been relatively easy moving among them. I am a middle-aged white woman who is only a couple of strokes above blending into the woodwork. They never really look at me as much as through me, which lends itself perfectly for going unnoticed while they speak, brag, plot and plan.

As I sit here thinking about my years spent among them, I cannot come up with a single thing they stand for; I can only come up with what they stand against: homosexuality, evolution, birth control, gambling, strippers, stem cell research, gun control, healthcare, bipartisanship, rap music, hip hop, adult entertainment, tolerance, diversity, sex education, nude art, pornography, civil rights, human rights, immigration, science, female equality, peace, abortion, personal ads, adult movies in hotel rooms, gay adoption, gay marriage, unmarried cohabitation and Obama.

For a solid decade I have waged hours of research on them to protect the jobs, careers, privacy and lives of thousands of people negatively impacted by their fire and brimstone politics.

But who cares? Honestly? Who cares?

Do you?

Although I dug up some real dirt and bones, my problem is that you seem to care more about what color Paris Hilton's underwear will be today than you do about what the "Values Voters" have planned for destroying your name, values and lifestyle. Tsk. Tsk.

But if you're still reading, you must be faintly curious…