CARNAL NATION

Hello Ms. Control Freak,

Now is not the time to discuss the politics of marriage or why wedding showers, etc. are kind of ridiculous social norms bent on stabilizing heteronormative patriarchal relations, so instead I shall simply say, "Welcome to my world." Shall I choose between the pre-arranged gang bang for a friend in need (tie up and violate that dirty masochist!) or head on over to the nearest Enema Conference to present on urethral dilation?

What a glorious life we both lead to have such decisions. And you, my dear, will be the Belle of the Ball. Who woulda thunk that such sexual depravity could emerge from a blushing bride (though it doesn't sound like you blush much!)?  

The Sex Museum is a great idea and lends itself to lots of discussion amongst your peers, ("Did you know that in ancient China condoms were made of...?" or "Did you see that statue with the______?"), titillating them and helping you to look like the sex-positive, savvy babe you are. But what about consensuality? (See my column on this topic here). Taking non-kinky people to an S&M club is like taking your parents to a strip club—it's simply rude to everyone. If some of your friends are "prudish," don't you think you might cause unnecessary drama, making some of your friends not trust you and making the SM'ers, whose lives are very real, feel like freak-show geeks? Not that there's anything wrong with that, but an authentic S&M club is not for bachelorettes, sincere novices perhaps, but not parties of vanilla tourists.

To further complicate things, let's determine what you might mean by an "S&M Club," shall we?

Being a bit of a connoisseur of S&M, I would argue that not all S&M clubs are alike. Indeed, there is an amazing spectrum of what "S&M" clubs look like. First, let's start with the Fetish Club, usually a nightclub with one night weekly or monthly devoted to the tragically hip "S&M" crowd who usually wear their coolest clothes to watch a show or two on flogging or fire play while industrial music plays in the background and cocktails abound. This is your best bet.  But before I elaborate, for the sake of education, let's look at the other two: the sex club and the actual S&M club.

The sex club is where people mill around trying to cruise each other for action, mostly naked men beating their meat and seeking that perfect little slut who wishes to be gangbanged by a bunch of strangers (like a blue heron, rare, but possible). Sometimes there may be a little vinyl or some chains, but mostly it's naked people and sleazy music. Alcohol may or may not be served. This club could definitely squick your mates out and, besides, they may not wish to undress.

Finally, there is the classic S&M club where active members of the BDSM "community" actually set up "scenes" and play out any number of sexual fantasies, simply play with sensation, or explore their kink boundaries in advanced ways. Ah, I remember my first one. Paris, 15 years ago. It was dark. All I could hear were screams, crying, laughing, whips cracking, and paddles whopping. When my eyes adjusted to the light, I saw a man being double fisted, two Cross Dressers being spanked by a Daddy, and a slave being flogged by a Master. Not all of these clubs are the same, but for the most part I can easily say that these clubs are definitely not for the faint of heart and most definitely not a tourist attraction.

Now, for an ultra-cool bachelorette party, the gothy/electro fetish club is your best bet. After your foray into the Sex Museum, I suggest going for a bite to eat so you can yak about the exhibits, giggling like schoolgirls (try a restaurant with Drag Queens crooning to your gaggle of premarital celebrants), and relishing the time honored habit of heterosexual normativity in gala form!

Then, after being fired up by all that sex talk, you and your friends can then head over to the fetish club for gawking, guffawing, and possibly playing. For the more tame, the music, lights, and people will be enough to keep them busy but not too much to scare them away. Most people at these venues want to be watched (whereas the S/M club is usually very private), that's why they go.  It's voyeur/exhibitionist heaven. The more adventuresome gals in your group may get a little spanking or meet some hot cookie to have kinky sex with later, score!

In other words, have fun, engage your friends' minds and libidos, but don't treat the S&M club like a Rainforest Cafe, and most certainly do not non-consensually coerce your friends into activity that is better left for the people who wish to engage in it.

I've heard the terms 'gentleman' and 'lady' defined as caring for the comfort of those around you. With that in mind, you must ask yourself, "Would causing discomfort to some of those gathered to celebrate my impending marriage be appropriate?"

You say that attendance isn't compulsory, so I'm guessing you're going to reveal the evening's schedule to the celebrants sometime before that evening. If that's so, then those bothered by the idea of a dry S&M club can decline to attend.  Is it rude to plan an event that might offend some people?  Well, you can't please everyone no matter what political correctness would tell you, so I'd say go ahead and have the party you want as long as prior notice is  given and folks had a chance to make their own decisions.

Myself, I'd try to find something everyone would enjoy, and if an S&M club was on the bill, I'd want there to be a bar.  Definitely.
 

Dear Hands,

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! While I am a big fan of sex museums and S&M clubs, it sounds like that kind of party might be a little overwhelming for your guests. It is a party celebrating "the end of your wild single days," but you also want your guests to have a good time. Some compromise might be in order.

Bachelor and bachelorette parties have a certain level of expected naughtiness attached to them. You know your party better than I do, and if you're worried about where the line between a pushed boundary and a crossed boundary is, it might be better to reassess your plans. Most S&M players believe in being safe, sane, and consensual. While it may sound like an ecclectic and memorable night out on the town, it might not be particularly sane or consensual for your guests. Their desire to show their love and support for you might override their own comfort zone. If they're not having a good time or are unaware of certain rules of ettiquette, it may make others at the club feel ill at ease as well.

Ultimately it sounds like you want your guests to have a fun time opening their minds with you. Although you describe yourself as a "control freak," this might be a good time to enlist the help of your Maid of Honor, who can be a tremendous asset in assessing where the lines and boundaries of your party are. She (or he) should also be able to comeg up with some fresh ideas within the theme and framework you have in mind. I hope you have a great party and a fantastic wedding.