CARNAL NATION

First you should be flattered that she asked you. There are a lot of kids who wouldn’t even think about asking a parent to help them buy a sex toy. It’s tough thinking of your kid as a sexual person, particularly when she is at an age when sex with a partner is not yet legal. You don’t mention if she was rummaging with permission—if she wasn’t, then one conversation you should have is about privacy and permission.

Before I get to the practical advice, you should know that this is an opportunity to transition your relationship with your daughter from parent/child to parent/young adult. Don’t freak out. Don’t lecture. Just handle it calmly and in a matter-of-fact manner. If you can manage it, this will build a good foundation for when she has other difficult things to talk to you about in the future. I know it’s difficult. Tell her you're uncomfortable. Talking to my teenage daughter about sex, drugs, and relationships—without being an overprotective and hypocritical dad—was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do as a parent. However, she now feels safe telling me things I know teens do (because I did them), but I’d never have imagined I’d hear about directly.

If your daughter hasn’t already found it, I’d give her the address of Scarleteen, which is by far the best sex info resource for teens. I’d also get here a copy of  Our Bodies, Ourselves: A New Edition for a New Era and The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex: The Most Complete Sex Manual Ever Written. My daughter’s mother got her the former and I sent her down to Good Vibrations with a female family friend to get the latter (going to Good Vibrations with dad wasn’t going to work no matter how open and progressive I think I am). Now would be a time to talk to your daughter about sex in general. I hope she’s already had more than abstinence-only sex education, but even if she has, it’s worth covering the basics of safer sex and how to set and keep your own boundaries. Again, be honest, talk about the difficulty of talking to a new partner about safe sex, and how hard it can be to keep a boundary in the face of raging hormones. If you are lucky enough to be in a city with a Good Vibrations, take her there. The staff is incredibly well trained and helpful (you’ll have to finesse the over-18s sign on the door, this won’t be the first or last time she ducks an age restriction).

Whatever you do, don’t lie to her. Teens can spot a parental lie a mile away. If you don’t feel comfortable answering a question, just say so, but don't shut down the entire conversation.

Oh dear! Being a sex positive woman who is old enough to have children but who does not (though many adult 'children' I do have!), I feel like it is almost too easy to say: "Go ahead, talk about sex with your 15-year-old daughter." And indeed, that is my response. The problem is how. I am not sure what you've spoken about yet, if anything at all, but fifteen is WAY old enough these days! Most young women these days are practicing some form of sexual activity by the ripe old age of 12 or 13. Since the early outbreaks of HIV and AIDS in the 80s, safer sex through the use of condoms and gloves has made for some pretty kinky young people out there! Not to mention a lot of latex allergies...

I suggest sitting down and simply asking her about what she already knows. A great book on self-loving is Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving and written by the amazing Betty Dodson. You may also wish to read the work of the original sexpert Susie Bright who is a sex-positive writer with a teenage daughter. Together they blog about teen sex issues together. Once you have an idea of where she's at, I also suggest taking her, or if you are uncomfortable watching/listening, sending her to a well-informed shop like Good Vibrations.

Relax. It is your responsibility to help her. Like good poly relationships, maybe you don't have to know every detail, but knowing that she is obtaining the knowledge necessary for her to know her sexual self better and make the right decisions is imperative to improving her mental health also. So, give your daughter the hand that was probably not given you, and help her be a happier woman in this world!
 

Dear Sex-Positive and Modern Mom,

Wow! You must be a great Mom that your daughter trusts you enough to ask you about sex. I think you feel odd and uncomfortable because your mother and father and aunts and grannies were so discreet with sexual information, that, in fact, you were left feeling embarrassed about the subject.

What did your mother and aunts and female teachers ever teach you about having a healthy sexuality?  What do you think you needed, wanted, and deserved?  Do you honestly believe that your daughter is better off figuring it all for herself, guided by the (mis)information her friends will give her? Doesn’t your beloved daughter deserve better? 

So it comes down to a choice between being uncomfortable avoiding her questions or being uncomfortable being open and honest (and perhaps interrupting a generations-long pattern of deliberate encouraging of ignorance)? Give your daughter exactly what you know she needs and wants.

I recommend you make time for a private conversation with your daughter.  Thank her for trusting you enough to talk about stuff that’s so personal.  Admit that you are nervous because your Mom never talked about masturbation (vibrators? anything sexual?) with you.  Tell her you’ll try to answer any questions she has.  Then ask her what she wants know.

You could actually buy her her first vibe, give it to her, tell her how to use it, and let her know you’re happy to answer her questions.  If that’s too weird for you, ask if you two can go online – I suggest GoodVibes.com (it’s a site for women, by women, with lot’s of great info about female sexuality and a terrific selection of vibes).  I’m guessing, after about two or three questions, she’ll ask for a budget and some privacy.

OK, OK, I know that many Mom’s are fine giving basic sex ed to their daughters, but want their girls to discover things like vibrators and masturbation techniques as part of their own sexual explorations.  So here’s a simple thing you can do, that might be less embarrassing for you…or her.  Here’s a link to Dr. Laura Berman talking to Oprah Winfrey about vibrators (on national TV).  You could just send her the link. Lots of info, tastefully presented, by a real Doctor.  And, here’s a link to Dr. Laura talking to Moms about telling their girls about vibrators. Maybe it will help you get started?

Whatever you do, please find a way to move past your own hang-ups and embarrassment so it doesn’t get passed to yet another generation in your family.