CarnalNation

"Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right." Woody Allen, Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex, But Were Afraid to Ask (1972)

And what that means is that you're frequently going to have to figure out to get Icky Stains out of your sheets, clothes, lingerie, carpets, drapes, etc., etc....

Ok. Adapted from various websites, here are a few suggestions for taking fluids out of fabrics. Most of these suggestions use one or more of the following solutions:

• Detergent solution: one teaspoon of mild pH-balanced household detergent mixed with one cup of water, cool or lukewarm depending on what you're trying to remove.
• Ammonia solution: one tablespoon of household ammonia mixed with half a cup of water (hold your nose, unless you're into that sort of thing).
• Vinegar solution: one-third cup of white household vinegar mixed with two-thirds cup of water.

Any of these solutions should be poured over the stain, then blotted with a clean towel. Kind of a pain, but it beats having cumstains all over your apartment, right?

Semen, otherwise known as a "California potato chip." This one's easy—it's water soluble and usually doesn't leave color behind. If the stained item is washable, rinse it in cool water, then wash it with regular detergent and enzyme bleach. If we're talking carpets or upholstery or stuff like that, pour a glass of cool water over the stain and blot it with a clean towel. That's probably all you'll need to do—unless, of course, you want to set the stained garment aside for the grand jury.

Although the exact chemical composition of female ejaculate is still being debated, these tips should work for it, too. If the ejaculate has a urine smell to it, it might have some urine in it and should be treated as...

Urine. If it's fresh, blot it up, then use ammonia solution, detergent solution, and end by sponging it with clean water and blotting it. If it's dry, do the same thing, but in between ammonia and the detergent, add another rinse-and-blot using the vinegar solution.

Blood or menstrual fluid. If the blood is fresh, just rinse it thoroughly in cold (not hot!) water, then wash as usual. If it's on carpet or upholstery, pour a glass of cold water or club soda on it, then blot it with a clean towel.

If the blood is dry, test a section of the fabric with a little bit of household-strength hydrogen peroxide to make sure it doesn't bleach the fabric. If the fabric holds its color, the peroxide should work pretty well at removing the stain. Or, use detergent solution made with cold water, then ammonia solution made with cold water, then sponge with cold water and blot.

Lube. If it's water based, it should come out during normal cleaning—see "semen" above. If it's oil based, like Crisco or most hand lotions, sponge it with a small amount of dry cleaning solvent or spot remover and blot it. Then pour and blot the detergent solution. Sponge it with clean water and blot a final time. [Editor's note: If it's silicone based, most websites suggest using a spot remover like OxyClean and washing in very hot water or professionally dry cleaning the stained fabric. Silcone-based lube stains are notoriously difficult to remove, so we recommend taking precautions before using it. Have a spare set of sheets for use with silicone-based lubes or see "candle wax" below.]

Shit. You'll need several different cups of solution here: two of detergent, one of ammonia, one of vinegar. In order, pour and blot: the detergent solution, the ammonia solution, the detergent solution, and the vinegar solution. Then sponge with clean water and blot.

Candle wax. Place a rag or washcloth over the spill and iron it with a warm iron. The melted wax will wick up into the cloth, which you can then toss in the laundry for normal cleaning. Some colored candle wax will leave a dye stain—you can try treating this with dry cleaner solvent or stain remover. To be on the safe side, we recommend setting aside an old sheet or cloth to use especially for wax play—place it between your sweetie and your furniture to keep them both happy. (To be extra-safe, try a shower curtain instead—some candle dyes can soak through a single layer of cloth.)