CARNAL NATION

I have always had a fascination/fantasy of using and owning a Sybian, but until my sweetie or I strike it rich, it will have to remain a fantasy. Good things come to those who wait, right?  Well, my monthly package was dropped off, and lo and behold, it was The Cone: a new toy very much based on the Sybian. This is a toy like no other. You do not insert it: you squeeze it or sit, lay, or lean on it.  Really, this toy does a lot of the work for you (we all know masturbation is a lot of work). 

The toy itself is cone shaped and made from a firm but soft-to-the-touch silicone.  It measures about 4 1/2” tall, 7 3/4” in diameter.  Needless to say, it is a little big to travel with.  But it actually packs a punch.  A 3000-rpm motor gets this baby vibrating quite well, almost as well as its plugged-in cousin.  Out of the box, it comes with no batteries, so make sure you stop and get some Cs (it takes 3 of them). Warning: the manual is incorrect on how to put in the batteries!  The lovely IKEA-like illustration shows an arrow turning the battery section clockwise to open. Wrong! Save yourself the hour it took me to open the battery compartment (and get it untightened) by turning the bottom counter-clockwise like you do to everything else in this world.

Once the frustration of installing the batteries wore off, I finally got to try out the toy. It has 16 patterns and an orgasm mode. I am not a big pattern girl, so I went straight to the orgasm mode. This is not a quiet toy, so if you don’t plan on announcing to everyone that you are having some 'alone time,' I would wait until the house is empty.  I tried squatting over it and found it to be about 3 inches too short for comfort on a bed.  My knees were not happy with me.  I didn’t give up though.  I decided that first test run would be a little anal stimulation.  I slipped the cone between my cheeks and rested on it (suggestion, turn it on first).  It felt really good. The Cone is all about external stimulation. For all of you with a toy-up-your-ass phobia, this one is for you.  I grabbed an additional toy, and I came really quickly using the combo. 

I do love a challenge and was determined to figure out how to squat on the Cone comfortably.  I grabbed my zafu (meditation pillow) and placed it under the Cone.  Voila! The perfect height for me to ride this toy for a while! I am sure it would work great with a wedge, too.  Next I tried the hard living-room chair.  Again, fairly comfy, and it hit the sweet spots fairly well.  My favorite sensation was just squeezing it with my thighs.  I think all you motorcyclists out there will understand.  The vibrations are strong enough to give you that subtle, sneak-up-on-you orgasm. 

The Cone has proven itself to be quite a bit of fun and, if nothing else, unusual.  The little manual gives you several different position options, and I look forward to trying a number of them.  The Cone is not a beginner’s toy.  It requires knowing positions that work for you as well as the ability to be creative in its use.  Final word to the wise, get the black one. The pink is a little TOO pink.

Let me start off by saying that I was really excited to try the Cone. It is one of the more visually unique products on the market, with its prominent point atop pyramid-style design. The buzzing pulsation that this toy produces is wonderfully intense, and although it has multiple speeds and settings for pleasure, I immediately turned it up to its most consistently powerful setting since I am a clit-stimulation lover. The Cone’s sound can definitely rival the loud noises that the Hitachi Wand makes, so if you have roommates or thin walls, I would not recommend it. I live alone and, therefore, don’t have to worry about the machine gun noises that emanate from one of the toy’s pulsation settings. (It is really hard not to laugh when it sounds like your clit is taking part in a drive-by shooting.)

The cone is not one of the new, hot-off-the-production-line toys, but when I recently heard it being praised by the likes of Joan Price as the perfect type of toy for individuals that lack the ability to use their hands or arms for extensive periods of time when masturbating, I knew I wanted to try it. I know a few people for whom such a toy would be very appropriate, and I was looking forward to finding a product that I could wholeheartedly recommend for this purpose.

With this goal in mind, I went to work testing the toy. (This is the best part of the job!) I truly enjoy experimenting with the toys I receive as extensively as possible. I am turned on by using toys both solo as well as with a partner, and finding out the best use in both these situations. I am so into sex toys that I even get turned on by putting myself on display as a live model demonstrating the ins and outs of sex toys, so to say. I have done this on several occasions, both personally and professionally.

My first attempt at playing with the toy, I invited a male-bodied partner to join me in on the fun. He knows that I particularly love being on all fours and entered from behind. I have used numerous toys on my clit while being penetrated this way for my maximum enjoyment. Although I do enjoy this position immensely, I have found that it can be difficult to continue holding a vibrator and my body upright while being pumped doggie style. I assumed that if I placed the cone on the bed under my clit, I could just rest my body on it and get the best of both worlds. The concept sounds great in theory, but the reality was another matter. Since the tip of the toy is so sharp, it was a major challenge to enjoy the clit stimulation without my clit inevitable becoming uncomfortably crushed by the thrusts of intercourse. I tried placing pillows under me and around me so that I could comfortably rest on them without being jabbed, but it just wouldn’t work. I tried readjusting the pillows multiple times and using a small Liberator wedge to prop me up. Although this technique allowed my body to be easily stimulated by the tip of the cone, it was not at an angle from which my partner could enter my vagina.

My second and third attempts with the toy consisted of lots of solo experiments. I figured it would be easier to coordinate my needs with this toy alone, and I was right. I was able to grind my pussy against the toy while on my hands and knees and supported by pillows. I did find myself squirming around quite a bit to get the constant clit stimulation that I desired. I am not sure this would be very useful for a woman looking for a hands-free toy experience. Even when I laid on my back and turned the toy upside down so that the tip snuggled comfortably in between my legs, I still had to put pressure on the bottom to get the sensation I desired. I imagine if I wasn’t such an intense stimulation slut, this toy would have taken me a lot less time to get off. Then again, not everyone is a greedy whore like me.

"Ground Control to Major Tom;
Ground Control to Major Tom;
Take your protein pills and put your helmet on…"
- David Bowie, Space Oddity

It quivered like an alien spacecraft. Its lights flashed intermittently. It quavered and pulsed powerfully. What could those tones and pulses mean, and for whom were they intended? Was this Cone sending out signals to other Cones in the upper stratosphere? Were they on their way to Earth, on a mission of peace, or coming to wreak havoc? Were they meant for my pussy or ass, or were they intended for my boyfriend’s ass? Whatever it took, we were determined to get to the bottom of it. 

I’m on vacation.  My boyfriend and I are not in our usual city dwelling, with our devil-may-care, fuck-you-if-you-don’t-like-it attitude when it comes to what our neighbors hear. Oh, no. This month we are at a little rented summer cottage by the sea—a place we are actually hoping to rent again next summer. As we began to use the Cone, we were afraid the neighbors in nearby cabins would call and report evidence of a UFO landing, what with the methodical pulsing and buzzing the Cone emits. And the Cone was buzzin’. That ain’t no little buzz, either.  That’s some industrial-strength motor in there.  Once you turn the Cone on by pressing one of its two sleekly designed, flesh-colored buttons, you can change the frequency and intensity of the vibrations by pressing either the left or right buttons.  Some of the pulses are highly audible. Maybe, we hoped, our fellow vacationers passing by our windows would think they were hearing a backed-up vacuum cleaner?  Each time you increase the intensity on the Cone, a bluish-purple light pulses between the buttons.  We hazarded that we were in possession of something not created by Earthlings, but was it created for use by Earthlings? That was the conundrum.

We tried using the Cone on the bed.  I tried sitting down on it.  It wasn’t cylindrical, so it didn’t quite fit up my pussy or ass, and bearing down on it pressed my pelvic bone uncomfortably halfway down its slope. It wobbled unsteadily directly on the mattress as I applied my weight to it.  Ok, I’m a bit of a big girl. Not too big, but no Peter Pan either. So maybe it was me. I tried setting it on a wooden chair (on the screened-in porch with a lovely view of the bay). Same problem. I tried easing up to it, placing my pussy against its side to get clitoral stimulation. The tip perturbed my pussy. It protruded in just such as way as to poke awkwardly into my upper labia.  We got back on the bed and put a pillow under it, wedging it under me, once again hoping that I could feel the buzz against my clit. Then my boyfriend got behind me and, slathering on some lube, pretty much just stuck his dick up my ass.  I’m pretty good about that, usually.  I like being ass-fucked, but this may have been the un-sexiest sexual sandwich I’ve ever experienced. My boyfriend was hoping that with the Cone under me, perhaps his cock would catch the buzz, too, but we couldn’t make it work.  The Cone was too big to lie on, and too small to reach if I was crouching doggie-style. Then my boyfriend tried using it on my ass. I tried using it on his. He’s a big fan of anal stimulation, maybe even to a fault. We both agreed that the buzzing was pleasant enough, but holding the wide circular base and pressing the tip of the cone against the anal sphincter was like giving the butthole a steering wheel.  Unwieldy.  In point of fact, we tried every kind of position and acrobatic application to the male and female genitalia that we could think of, to no avail.  We could not find a comfortable way of utilizing this shapely, industrial-strength device. 

To be fair, I am not one who swears by intensely buzzing things to bring on orgasm.  I long ago decided that clitoral stimulation was best served up by dexterous fingers and tongues, and as a result, my Hitachi Magic Wand languishes in my ForYourNymphomation Rolling Toy Trunk, only to be used at certain parties. I’ve found some enjoyment from a variety of buzzers even so, on occasion (usually applied by said dexterous fingers).  The Cone must have its uses.  When I looked for information online about the Cone, since ours arrived without instructions, I went to their website, conezone.org, and clicked on their link for “multi-lingual instructions.” But the link just took me back to their “Operation and Care” page, and didn’t provide a download of the PDF as promised.  I found numerous glowing reviews of the Cone there and elsewhere ‘round the ‘net, however.  What had we done wrong?  Perhaps only our extra-terrestrial friends can tell us for sure.