CARNAL NATION

Having worked as one of New York City's famous madams in the Swinging Sixties, Xaviera Hollander—often known as the Happy Hooker (and portrayed in the 1975 film of that name by Lynn Redgrave)—has learned a lot about sex, and what people can do to have happy, fulfilling sex lives.

But not only is her advice and honesty an inspiration to those interested in having lots of great sex—it also inspired the sex scenes in a newly published lesbian erotic thriller by American-Dutch author Jade (who is subscribing to the Madonna, Prince & Cher Academy of Minimalist Nomenclature).

These days, one of Xaviera's main projects is running her Happy House B&B in Amsterdam, where I went to speak with her. For women to have fulfilling sex and love lives, Xaviera told me that, ideally, we should find partners who stimulate our minds and hearts, as well as our bodies.

"If you're a gang-banger at heart, rest assured, you can forget about the other two," she says. "But if you are a lover, man or woman, and you need your heart as well your mind stimulated, then you should find someone who can turn all 'three clits' on. Usually it starts with your mind, and you talk with someone, and then if the heart gets turned on, that's the heart clit, and then if that works, you go to the body clit."

Although it usually takes at least two to tango, you have to love yourself in order to have a good sexual relationship, Xaviera argues. "Know yourself," she says. "You have to know what your plus points are and how to accentuate them."

Loving yourself isn't just an intellectual exercise, though—you must also learn what turns you on physically, and how to touch yourself. "Once you get used to the function of your body, then you can always learn how to do it with a partner, or teach him or her how to do it," she says.

Apart from having confidence and taking care of your body, Xaviera also advises women that, in order to get the most out of our sexual relationships, we should make love a feast, be selective, be inventive, change roles and do fun activities that we can share with our partners and be passionate about together—whether that be salsa dancing, yoga, meditation or just about anything else that we find sensual.

Also, Xaviera adds, "Don't talk about your children's problems when you're having your husband suck your pussy." Always a bit of a turn off...

Meanwhile, Jade was inspired by Xaviera's honesty in The Happy Hooker, first published in 1971, when she began writing her new novel, Secretly Bound.

"Xaviera's book was written without fear," says Jade. "She was very open about her sexuality and during that time it was pretty shocking. More amazing is that it is still relevant today and still remains shocking and refreshing when you read it."

Xaviera's openness inspired Jade to be honest and realistic when writing the sex scenes in her own book. In doing so, she learned a lot about a particular kind of sexual relationship: a dominant/submissive one (two of the main characters in her book share D&S fantasies with each other).

"I never really had thought about D&S, until I really started exploring it for the book," Jade says. "Once you really get into understanding what's going on, though, you then look at the relationships you've seen in your life, that of your parents, the ones that you have and that many people around you have—and you begin to see that really, there is dominance and submission in many of the relationships you see.

"Most people do not define it as such but there is. Sometimes one person is dominant and one is submissive, and sometimes it is a mixture depending on what the subject is. I have always seen it as a balance; sometimes one needs to submit to the other depending on the level of importance of the situations. Some couples understand when and where to do this and others do not.

"I wonder if defining the relationship as such actually could avoid conflict for some couples. I am not into D&S myself but I can see how some people feel better defining it or find comfort in it and seek a partner who does the same."

However, no matter how you define your relationship, Jade concurs with Xaviera that self-confidence is a key ingredient to sexiness.

"There are many women who are uncomfortable with their bodies," she says. "Women these days think they have to look like whoever it is on television, and have to have perfect bodies and perfect lips. When they turn 40, it's the same thing, so they're all getting plastic surgery done. But I think that, for the most part, when women have confidence in themselves and are comfortable with their bodies and their own sexuality and their desires, there's nothing sexier than that."

However, despite the fact that women (and men, of course) are much more sexually liberated than they were when Xaviera began working as a call girl 40 years ago—and despite all the advice she has dispensed since then—people are not necessarily any more sexually fulfilled.

"I speak with a lot of people who have gone through drought periods, who are not ugly at all and have enough money, but somehow they can't find the right person," Xaviera says. "And all this Internet dating, it's not really my cup of tea; maybe I am too old for those kinds of games."

"What was exciting about sex when I was young was the discovery—taking your still platonic but horny lover to the park, kissing behind the bushes and paying the guard in the park who discovers you fondling and fiddling with a pack of cigarettes so he wouldn't tell your school. Kids mature much more quickly now, so the charming stage of discovery doesn't exist anymore. It's all up in your face.

"Liberation has not come to mean fulfilment," she adds. "It has come to mean debauchery. So, these days, things are filling, but not necessarily fulfilling!"

For more info on Secretly Bound, you can visit Destiny Pursuit Publishing.