CARNAL NATION

Oh My Gay Guy!

You poor dear, it's time for you to join the rank and file of almost every adult being out there. In other words, who hasn't been punked in a relationship and who doesn't want to be in control? Mostly everyone. But let me tell you from a loving and thoughtful, (albeit "hardass" at times) Dominant's perspective, going into any relationship wanting to maintain control will almost always lead you on a path to Hell.

The fact is, control is elusive and fantasy driven. No one has control over themselves or anyone else; the closest way to get control is to create mastery of your emotions and reactions to others. Further, in order to be a good sexual dominant, you need to have mastery over erotic domination skills. And indeed, you ask about classes and like-minded people, so kudos to you!

Firstly, there are many classes out there and many places to meet "submissives," but first, are you really ready to take this kind of journey on in a thoughtful and meaningful way? I suggest doing a personal inventory first, perhaps with the help of a Kink Aware Professsional therapist in your area. Then, if you feel the dominant in you dying to come out, you may wish to read some material on the subject first. Jack Rinella, a well known gay male dominant and writer has a lovely weekly column and many books on the subject. I also suggest Guy Baldwin and Joseph Bean's magnificent additions to the Leather Community. If you get that far and still feel the urge to merge, I suggest Recon to connect with other gay men into rough sex and leather. Now that you're on the road to Domdom, buy some gear! I adore Fort Troff (tell 'em Minax sent ya!).

Presuming you do not feel like you can only learn from gay men, try reading anything by Gloria Brame,  or take classes with myself and Cleo Dubois. Fetlife has an amazing array of information and hook ups for all genders, shapes, sizes, and persuasions. Oh, and don't forget about conferences! There are many that are gay, mostly pansexual, and they are very open-minded places to consciously explore your propensities. The Leather Journal lists them all.

However, I have some reservations about some of the statements in your question. Toy wrote: "able to dominate me even though it didn’t seem like he was doing it." This is subtle emotional manipulation, which should not be confused with consensual (and explicit!) power exchange. Then you mention wanting to be a "top in all senses of the word." It is quite possible to be a sexual bottom in a power neutral relationship. You should examine and resolve your emotional issues before diving into BDSM (and conflating the emotional and sexual in the process).

I wish you all the best on your journey, but do keep in mind if all you want is a limp wash cloth to do your every bidding, you may need to do your own dirty laundry first!
 

Wow! I’m sorry to hear about the ex, and I’m glad that you’re out of the relationship. It sounds like a really unfortunate situation. There’s a lot going on in your question, so I’d like to separate out the issues a bit.

First thing: from what you’re saying, it sounds like your ex was being manipulative and controlling. That’s not a good thing, and while I won’t go so far as to label it as abusive (since I think you’re the only one who can do that), I will say that it seems to me that his behavior was on a spectrum that has “abuse” at one end of it.

But whether that’s accurate or not, I think that you’re taking two different things and mixing them up. Being dom/sub or top/bottom in a relationship doesn’t ever have to mean that one person gives up all control or power. You absolutely have the right to have a full say-so in your relationships as an equal partner. And so does your future boyfriend, regardless of which one of you tops or bottoms. One of the seeming paradoxes of power play (another term for BDSM) is that when it’s done well, both partners are fully powerful and engaged while taking different roles. Even when someone submits fully, they can still do so from a place of power. That’s especially important since you can only negotiate a relationship or a scene if you’re standing on your own two feet. Once you’re done talking about it, you can get on your knees or your back.

When you say that you want to find a submissive man so that you won’t ever be in the position of having a partner manipulate you, that seems to me like a sign that you might want to work through your experiences with a queer-friendly & sex-positive therapist. Given that you just got out of this situation, I wonder if what happened with your ex is continuing to affect you. Part of why I think that might be the case is that you’re talking about bouncing from one extreme to the other, from being controlled to controlling someone else. That kind of shift from one end to the other is often a sign of wounding that generally needs some care before the middle ground can be found again. It’s a pretty common response to these sorts of situations, and I think you’d do better to take care of that than you would by trying to always be in control. After all, every relationship requires some give and take and your odds of success will be much higher if you can distinguish between a partner speaking to you as an equal and a partner trying to control you.

If you’re here in San Francisco, there are plenty of therapists to choose from. But most cities with gay communities have at least a few options. Check your local gay newspaper or community center. And don’t get discouraged. I think of therapy as being similar to getting a haircut or a massage—they simply work better when you have someone who’s trained to do it.

Whatever you decide to do, take good care of yourself. You deserve it.

Dear Top Gun,

Last things first, just look at the upper right corner of this very website (Carnal San Francisco), and you’ll find listings for classes, places to meet and mingle with other BDSM fun seekers, places to play, and so much more. There are also various online BDSM hook-up services (I’m kind of partial to the Bondage.com personals but YMMV).

I have to admit I see red flags (“WHOOP, WHOOP, danger Will Robinson, danger!”) when I read the phrase ”ensure that I remain the top in all senses of the word in my future relationships.”  IMO, meaningful, long-lasting, emotional relationships take more than a fair amount of give and take, i.e., power-sharing.

I’m sure you can find a play partner who is 100% bottom, and wants you to be 100% top, but I think the lines of “power” in that relationship will often be a little (or even a lot) fuzzier than you envision. After all, the heart and soul of BDSM is consent. The bottom gets a safeword, and gets to set boundaries. When I play, the top also gets a safeword and gets to have boundaries. So, if you top me, but I determine the limits to which you can go, and I can stop you with a word, which of us has the greater power?

The “power” that no one can ever take away from you is the power you have over your thoughts and behavior. Cultivate that, and you’ll never be dominated without your consent again.