CARNAL NATION

I just found a whole bunch of women's lingerie and bondage gear in my husband's closet.

Well, you're in for some interesting discussions, anyway.

For help with this thorny issue, we turned to Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt, authors of When Someone You Love Is Kinky. They note that their advice will come in handy regardless of your partner's gender and orientation, and even the number of your partners—monogamous straight men aren't the only ones who like to get kinky!

The first thing, they say, is to remember that nothing about your partner has changed: he's the same guy you fell in love with and married. He hasn't gone crazy, and he isn't some sort of lonny out-of-control sex junkie; he just has some sexual interests that are news to you. While you may be feeing pretty freaked out right now, please keep in mind that plenty of couples have encountered this same situation and have found a way to keep their marriages, and their love for each other, working.

Here are a few options Dossie and Catherine discuss:

Ask him to stop: "Forget it. Kinky people very rarely come unkinked. And you'll spend a lot time feeling insecure." And do you really want to live with a frustrated, unhappy person?

Open up your relationship. This seems like a very big step, maybe even an impossible one. But what you may not realize is that it's not an open-or-shut situation. You can't be a little pregnant, but your relationship can be a little bit open. It may turn out that you feel comfortable with letting your sweetie explore his kink only with professionals, or only in your presence, or only without genital contact. If any fluid exchange might be involved, you'll have to make agreements regarding safer sex, and your partner will have to abide by them—this isn't negotiable. But you'd be surprised how many couples have made such arrangements work well for them.

One thing Dossie and Catherine recommend you not do: "Some couples try to make agreements in which A is allowed to see other people but isn't supposed to tell B about it. Our experience is that this kind of arrangement usually winds up with B feeling terrified and insecure, and picturing all sorts of impossibly hot scenarios with impossibly gorgeous partners. If you want to know what you're most afraid of, a 'don't ask, don't tell' relationship is a good way to find out." A compromise that works for some couples is to agree on a time gap: you tell your partner about your date after a few days, or a week, or whatever timespan feels like a safe enough space to you.

Try it yourself. Ack! You may never have dreamed of someday holding a whip in your hand, or letting yourself be tied to your bed. But everybody who plays with kinky sex—which we think is about 10% of the adult population—started somewhere, and many of them started because they had a partner who wanted to try it. So why not give it a shot.

Again, this isn't an either/or proposition—just because your squeeze wants to be dressed up in a maid's uniform and ridden like a rodeo pony doesn't place you under any obligation to do it. The two of you need to sit down together and have a loving, heart-to-heart talk about what each of your desires and limits are. There are plenty of relatively tame, entry-level scenes you can do—a bit of bondage, a taste of spanking, an adventure in each other's underwear—and you may discover that you enjoy such ventures more than you'd imagined. (After all, what do you have to lose?)

There's a lot of good information—books, websites, support groups—for people whose partners are kinky. There's even more information for people who want to explore kink for the first time. And there are therapists and marriage counselors who can help the two of you come to terms with this news, although you may have to look around a bit for a therapist who's knowledgeable and non-judgmental about sexual activities.

We like your marriage. We hop you do too. And we hope you'll open your mind and your heart to find a way to accommodate this challenging news.