CARNAL NATION

If you go on a trip and your adorable 13-year-old gets knocked up somewhere along the way, what's the obvious explanation? Logically, it could be only one thing— stray sperm in the hotel swimming pool found its way past her swimming suit and traveled up inside her until it found a ripe, fertile egg. That, at least, is what Magdalena Kwiatkowska, a Polish woman who recently vacationed in Egypt with her daughter, is claiming in the lawsuit that she's filed against the hotel where she stayed. Kwiatkowska is adamant that her daughter had no contact with boys on the trip, so obviously the cause of her pregnancy is "stray sperm" in the "mixed pool" at the hotel. We just have to wonder exactly how much stray sperm Kwiatkowska thinks was in that pool (and how fresh it was) in order for her case to look even moderately sane. Does she imagine some strange Egyptian variation on bukkake, in which the entire male staff lines up around the pool three times a day and ejaculates? On the other hand, if she pulls this off, this might represent an opportunity for teens the world over. Like men who used to claim that they got those nasty genital chancres from sitting on an unclean toilet seat, maybe teenage girls will be able to pass off the new member of the family as a result of too little chlorine in the community pool.