CARNAL NATION

My daughter walked in on my partner and me while we were having sex!

Children's sleep patterns often seem supernaturally attuned to adults having sex, don't they? The child who can sleep through the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius will come a-knocking at the sound of sheets rustling three rooms down the hall.

This advice falls firmly into the category of "locking the barn door after the horse is stolen," but tomorrow we want you to go buy a hook latch and install iot on the inside of your bedroom door. Not only will it help keep the patter of little footsteps out of your bedroom at inopportune moments, but it will help you relax and enjoy your sex a lot more. If you're involved in BDSM or any other alternative sexual behavior that might look at all violent or frightening to a child, please go take of this right this moment—the rest of this column can wait until you get back.

But if you've already been interrupted by your little darling, it's too late for that now. Most likely, she'll just be curious about what you and your honey are up to. Our own experience (one of us has a couple of kids, the other used to be one) has been that children are able to understand that grownups like to have sex because it feels good. It's better, of course, if you explain this before the occasion arises, so the explanation becomes as simple as, "We were having sex, but we like to do that in private, so please knock next time before you come into our room."

If your child is upset or frightened, of course, you have to stop what you're doing to take care of her—take her back to her bed, tuck her in, and reassure her until she falls asleep. Kids' needs take priority over the steamiest of sex.

I walked in on my child having sex.

This is a situation for which Dr. Spock did not give you nearly enough guidance.

First and foremost: make sure everyone involved was consenting. If you child wasn't consenting—or is, in your opinion, too young to give meaningful consent—step in and stop the sex, and the relationship, immediately, and call the police if you think that is appropriate. If your child's partner wasn't consenting, stop the sex immediately, get the partner to his or her parents or to an emergency room as needed, and find a competent attorney and an even more competent health professional for your kid.

Even if everybody was consenting, there may be legal complications. If one of the people involved isn;t of the age of consent in your state, what you just interrupted may have been statutory rape. If you allow it to continue, you could conceivably be charged with being an accessory.

But let's say this isn't an issue for you. We strongly recommend the taking of a deep breath here. You don't want to frighten or alienate your son or daughter, but neither do you want to be a party to an unwanted pregnancy, an STD transmission, or any other Disaster beyond the one you've already got on your hands.

We hope that by this point you've already delivered "The Birds and the Bees," 21st-century version, lecture to your kid. You know—the one about condoms, birth control, STDs, etc. If not, schedule it immediately.

Next5, get your child in to the doctor for an STD check and, if she's female, a PAP smear and some birth control advice. You have the right to insist that any child living under your roof conform to your standards of ethical sexual behavior—which, in our opinion, includes the use of condoms and proper birth control. Many parents of teenagers simply place a large box of condoms in the children's medicine cabinet, check it occasionally to replenish it if the supply is running low, and otherwise ignore it. (If they're giving condoms to their friends, good. You can afford a few rubbers better than a teenager can afford an STD or unwanted pregnancy).

At this point you've done about all you can do. Make sure this embarrassing situation doesn't happen again by arranging with your child for a suitable privacy signal (the old sock-on-the-doorknob or whatever)—with an agreement that you get to use it, too!