I'd like to have threesome with my girlfriend and another woman. We (my girlfriend and I) both think it would be a good idea to bring in a professional: fewer jealousy issues, she'd be focused on our pleasure, we get to pick who we want, and she'd leave afterwards... without any awkwardness. The picking part is the sticking point. How do we find the right woman to come play with us without getting arrested in the process? How do we find somebody who isn't a flake? How do we negotiate what we want?
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Third Party Check
Ooooh! The threesome with your main squeeze. Very hot! Let’s start with the easy part of your question. Before you can negotiate for what you want, you have to have some idea what it is you want.
Before you invite a third, I strongly encourage you and your girlfriend to talk about what each of you hopes will happen, including any worries, concerns, and any boundaries either of you can think of. What's OK to touch, lick, suck, and fuck? By whom? How will you ensure that the sex you share is responsible regarding sexually transmitted infections? In case either of you feel uncomfortable during the fun, it’s good to have an agreement about how you will handle this. A safeword is always good. Then, when you find your third, you and your partner just ask for 100% of what you want, and you can also establish what you both do not want.
Now, how do you hire a pro and minimize your risk of getting busted? Well, the safest answer is to go to northern Nevada, where prostitution is legal. Assuming that isn't possible for you, just look in your yellow pages (or Google) for “escorts, entertainment, or massage.” You’ll find numerous sites of women who can be hired as companions. Call the service and negotiate for exactly what you want. Law enforcement is mostly trying to catch prostitution rings, not the casual johns and janes. That said, if you solicit sex from a cop, the cop will bust you. And don’t believe that urban legend that if you ask “are you a cop,” they have to tell you. They don’t.
Jealousy issues notwithstanding, in my opinion, you’d be better off finding your third the same way you find any date. First, you and your honey review every female you know, looking for anyone you both might like to play with. Sex with someone who cares about you, your relationship, and being able to look each other in the eyes later, is definitely hot, hot, hot. Can’t agree on a mutual friend? Go to your local watering hole and pick out one or two likely prospects. Either you or your girlfriend can go over and start flirting. When you get up the nerve, raise the subject. I think you can take it from there.
Chip AugustChip August hosts a popular internet radio show (podcast) and blog for the Personal Life Media Network called Sex, Love & Intimacy. He is not a psychiatrist, psychologist or psychotherapist; however, he has spent the last 18+ years coaching people to experience more sex, love and intimacy. He has also led personal growth workshops all over the world. He is a trained and certified Hypnotherapist. He has a private practice in Menlo Park, CA, offering personal growth coaching to individuals, couples, and families. Chip has studied philosophy, spirituality, and religion, and for a time thought he might become a rabbi. He has since dedicated himself to finding languages to access and express his spirit. He considers himself a “tri-sexual” – if it’s sexual, he’ll try it.
So you've thought out a fantasy, discussed it with your partner, and come up with a plan. Unfortunately it sounds like sex work is illegal where you live and that is making it a little more difficult to get what you want for the evening. Aside from taking a trip out to Nevada, your best bet is to check out escort listings on the back pages of your local alternative weekly or on the Internet. There are even websites that review sex-work providers such as The Erotic Review that you might want to check out as well. If you find someone that seems appealing based on their ad or photo, give them a call. They'll be screening you just as much as you should screen them. If you let them know exactly what you're looking for on your date, you'll have a better chance of a fantastic night.
As far as negotiation, it will probably feel much more awkward for you than it will for your potential date. It takes some practice to actually say what you want in explicit terms, so it may be helpful to you both to write down what it is you want from the evening. Treat your date with respect, but also make it clear what you're hoping to have happen in the evening. If you're calling an escort agency, you are far less likely to experience the flakiness you might find by posting an "adult gig" or "casual encounter" ad on Craigslist, but some escorts will decline to work with you without a reference from another escort or a good history with the agency. Shop around and don't be afraid to pass on someone who doesn't seem like the right fit for you.
Miss Maggie MayhemMiss Maggie Mayhem has always had a problem keeping both her mouth and her legs shut. Her job as HIV Senior Specialist at an agency serving San Francisco's homeless youth is primarily about the art of discussing sex, drugs, and rock and roll. While many people might get tired of that, she also volunteers with the San Francisco Sex Information Hotline. Miss Mayhem has been an active kinkster since her 18th birthday and enjoys frequenting the various play spaces and dungeons here in the bay area. Her website is www.missmaggiemayhem.com.
First off, as far as I know, the law is somewhat unclear on the topic of telling someone how to hire a sexworker. So I’m not suggesting that you do anything illegal. However, sexwork is legal in some places and in any case, if you decide to hire a sexworker, here are some useful tips.
Sometimes, finding a professional can make things much easier. It’s often simpler when the guidelines are clear, when expectations are set in advance, and when there are distinct boundaries. That can be the case whether you’re talking about a caterer, a housecleaner, or a sexworker. You get to decide what you want and ask for it.
So the first thing that I suggest you consider is make a list of what you each want. Some things to consider: physical appearance, sexual acts you want to do, safer sex boundaries, how long you want the session to be, and location. Think about everything that you definitely want, things that you might want, and things that you definitely don’t want. I suggest that you each make your own list and then share them with each other. You may find some areas you need to discuss in more detail.
Having more clarity around your desires will help you find the right person. It’ll also help you have a conversation with anyone you’re interested in. One of the things that shows your respect for a sexworker as a professional is treating her time as valuable. So be direct and clear about what you want, in as much detail as you can. Some women offer different services, so if it’s not a good match, ask if she knows someone else who might suit you better. But the more direct you can be, the easier the negotiation process will go.
When someone tells you her rates, don’t quibble. Folks set their rates very carefully, and it’s almost never open to negotiation. If you need something less expensive, ask for a referral or rethink your plan. After all, there are lots of fab places to find folks for a threesome in most big cities.
If you’re concerned about someone’s flake factor, you can also check out the reviews on some of the online sites such as myredbook.com. See what other clients have said about her: someone who flakes is likely to have reviews that reflect that.
As far as keeping yourself safer from arrests, the easiest way to create a buffer is to use a throwaway email address. However, some escorts, especially those that charge more for their time, use a screening process to weed out the flakes. Often they’ll ask for a referral from another sexworker as a way of making sure that a potential client is reliable. Since (I assume) you don’t have that as an option, be honest about that. Many sexworkers will have some extra flex around their guidelines for couples, although not everyone does.
Since you’re new to seeing a sexworker, definitely tell her that early on in the process. She’ll be more likely to cut you some slack around not knowing how things work. And I recommend that you both participate in all communication. If you’re going to see her together, email her together. Alternatively, both of you should at least approve any emails that you send. It’s easy for one person to get caught up in their version of the fantasy and inadvertently go off in a direction that the other person doesn’t want to go.
At some point, she’ll probably want a cell phone number for you. While that may seem scary, it’s one of the ways that folks in the business can protect themselves. For example, many sexworkers won’t answer calls from blocked numbers. After all, they’re at much more risk of arrest than you are, and they need some assurance, as well. If you’re not comfortable giving that information to someone, that’s another reason to rethink your plan. Plus, things sometimes come up. If she has an emergency and can’t make the appointment, you’ll want her to let you know.
When it comes time for the actual appointment, follow whatever guidelines she gives you. Some people will ask you to call within an hour of your start time in order to confirm that you’ll actually show up. Remember, a lot of people get cold feet and she’s put in a lot of prep time to make sure you enjoy yourself. If you arrive early, wait somewhere other than in front of her place. She’ll be working hard to keep a low profile and not annoy the neighbors.
Bring the agreed-upon fee, as well as something extra. Tipping is always appreciated, and it’s a lovely way to express your gratitude. Also, if you decide at some point to ask for something additional, you’ll have some wiggle room for that. Always say "please" and "thank you."
This is, of course, just a basic overview based on what lots of sexworkers have told me. If you want more detail, you may also want to find a copy of Greta Christina’s book Paying for It: A Guide by Sex Workers for Their Clients. It’s a book written by sexworkers about how to explain the etiquette of being a great client. The more you know about how sexwork works, the easier it’ll be for you to get what you want, which is ultimately what it’s all about. Have fun!