CARNAL NATION

What would you do if a paranoid, unpatriotic, fag-hating contingent from the Westboro Baptist Church showed up to protest on your doorstep? Sure, you'd roll your eyes and, perhaps, chuckle a bit, but seriously what would you do after that? When the hate-filled followers of Fred Phelps showed up at Congregation Beth Simchat Torah, a gay synagogue in Manhattan's West Village, spouting their usual homophobic and anti-semitic invective, temple leaders turned those proverbial lemons into lemonade or, at least, a lemonade stand. Congregation members were asked to pledge a dollar to the synagogue for every minute that the six Westboro whackos assailed Beth Simchat Torah with their usual printed and chanted messages: "God Hates Fags" and "Jews Stole the Land." After only 50 minutes, Westboro Baptist 'raised' $10,000 for the beleaguered synagogue. "Their very presence will actually raise money for the mission of this community," said Rabbi Sharon Kleinbaum. "The synagogue wants a building so we're hoping this will help us get a building." For the duration of the protest, religious services are being held in rented space at a different location, which the temple can obviously now afford. If the donations keep rolling in at this rate, we'd like to suggest that PBS call Westboro during its next pledge drive. God doesn't just hate America, fags, and Jews after all. He probably also hates trite British sitcoms, endless Suze Orman repeats, and Big Bird. He certainly hates pledge breaks in the middle of Masterpiece Theater.